Oh 25, so much has transpired. Guess I'll start in order of what you brought up.
With regard to depression - I am certain that is at play as she has always suffered from it since her 20's and she is under a lot of stress right now. AND she has recently stopped taking anti-depressants. Not sure if that was doctor's advice or her own personal decision - but I suspect that it is the latter.
I agree that there is nothing I can do about it at all right now if it is. Not one thing - and it would be a cold day in hell before I broach the topic with her directly. At this point, I am genuinely concerned about her health not even as a husband, but as a friend. She is sick every month. Sick to the point where she asks me to come pick up our S because she feels so awful. I got a text this Sunday morning saying that she was vomitting through the night and asked me to come pick him up. I did - and left some crakers, 7-Up, Gatorade and Pepto with her. (I did it to be nice and because I care - not to score points). She was a wreck through the rest of the holiday weekend and said she felt "weak".
In my gut, I know that something is not "right". She is still underweight and she has said that she can't handle anything beyond the "regular routine" of life right now. Anything above and beyond makes her anxious. Again, I know that there is nothing I can do - but I remain concerned and mostly silent on the issue.
Court - that went terribly and I think she walked away from the settlement hearing pissed. Both of us walked away from it unhappy - which typically means the mediator did a good job. I was in one room with my L and she was in another with hers. The mediator went back and forth between the rooms trying to strike a deal. It was painful, hurtful and I couldn't believe that it was my life I was living in that moment.
At the end, we ALL had to set in one room and close the deal. Every part of me wanted to punch her L in the face. We didn't speak to one another and didn't make eye contact. I was actually welling up a bit - so all the better.
She later said in a rather mean e-mail that she "couldn't believe" some of the things that were going back and forth in the hearing and some of the things that my L was asking her to take on - which were legally hers, really. She said in that e-mail that she didn't trust me, OR my motives. She concluded by saying "and THIS is coming from a man that says he loves his wife and son!". That hurt - and clearly she meant it to.
After that message I did not speak to her at all. I didn't call or return her calls....I didn't text or return her texts for the better part of 4-5 days or so. She was texting me wanting to know if S was ok...asking to hear his voice. I ignored it all. Then one evening she texted "please don't cut off my communication with S because you are angry with me - it doesn't help anyone but maybe you". I didn't respond.
The following morning she tried calling again, and I did not answer. I Finally texted her back saying that I was not mad at her - just hurt by some of the things she said to/about me in her e-mail. She responded by saying that SHE was hurt and saddened that my flexibility with her vacation plans with S were conditional. Specifically, she wanted to take him to IA for 19 consecutive days. My repsonse was basically, if we are working on our R - even AFTER D - I will bend over backwards to help heal our family, and if you NEED that much time to help heal - so be it, take it. However - if you don't have it in you to work on R then I would suggest we just stick to what the courts have told us with regard to vacation. THAT is what she called "conditional" and I guess THAT is what made her angry. Between that and the anger she had from the hearing she sent me an e-mail (in response to a note that I left her) saying "I would encourage you to go find someone new that wants to have more kids. There is nothing in me that wants to reconcile at this point". Not sure if that was said to hurt me - I suspect that it was on some level - or if she really meant it. 1-2 weeks prior she had said she was "open to working on things" - so I don't know WHAT to believe. As someone mentioned before, I think she is running on 100% pure emotion right now.
We have smoothed things over in the last week and are speaking again. But I don't know how to take it. It is quite emotionally jarring.
Regarding dating - I might put my toe in the pond, but my heart STILL resides with my w and s. Is that indicative of the fact that maybe I SHOULDN'T think about dating? I kind of saw it as a means to force me to move on and try to get over her. Maybe it's just a bad idea - but I feel that if I don't try then I will never stop wanting HER and my family back together. Honestly don't know what to do.
If she discovers that I am trying to date, I have no idea what that would do to her emotionally. She has previously said that it would not be "easy" for her - but I struggle with that because if she didn't want me to date all she would have to say is that she wants to work on things. I suspect that she would use it as a chance to say "See? You don't care about me or love me!" - kind of in line with her remark about "and THIS is coming from a man who says he loves his wife and son"! Truth be told, right now - there is no one that I would rather be with in my heart than her. Really don't know what to do. As a dad, the whole dating thing changes dramatically and I kind of don't want to deal with it.
As for Retrovaille, there is one in my area in July - but I have not brought it to her attention yet. Not even sure if I should. I have heard so many good things - but if she marches into it with no desire to do much introspection and "own" her part - I don't think she would stay very long - and based on jlove's posts that is a big part of it.
So to summarize a rather long post -
1.) I am certain she is depressed and not taking meds anymore, but there is nothing I can do.
2.) The settlement hearing went poorly and she walked away angry - despite the fact that we were sitting next to one another in church the day before.
3.) On the fence about dating - I still love my wife and hold out hope - though it is fading.
4.) I am worried about her health as a whole
5.) Not sure WHAT she wants right now - or if I should believe much of what she says. I don't know if SHE knows what she wants right now either.
Oh, final note for you, 25 - the day before the settlement hearing she gave me a hand-written "gratitude letter" expressing all of these wonderful ways that I had changed her life....how happy she was the day I proposed, how happy she was at our wedding, how grateful she was that I made her a mother...and much more. If your would read it, it didn't SOUND like a woman describing a man she would want to walk away from. Ergo, I am even further confused.
Sorry for the long post. I have been silent for awhile.
