Been a while since I’ve been to the site and its been even longer since I posted anything. I still don’t know what I’m looking for, maybe a voice, but I can’t really say. I had thought that we were making great strides in our relationship. We were talking more and she seemed more content with not leaving the house each night, even if she still sleeps on the recliner for the past year. Where my relationship with my wife stands:
A month ago I asked her for a year. I asked that we talk to an unbiased professional during that year and that we could also work on saving money for the eventual split. I told her this was not an effort to “fix” us, but to help us part ways amicably knowing that we’ve talked out our differences.
- Yes, I forgot I shouldn’t have even mentioned the work counseling as it may be translated as something I want in order to “fix” her when she knows the only “fix” is to get away from me. Oops.
My wife’s response to this was 'no' ( surprise ). She was incapable of living like this for another year. That it stresses her out greatly that I’ve been trying so hard for the past two years. She’s had anxiety attacks and her health has been in decline. All because of her conscious effort to not give me “hope” that there’s any chance of avoiding a divorce.
She said that it greatly distresses her that of all the things I do that she appreciates; she makes a conscious effort to remain silent and not say anything at all so that I don’t get my hopes up. Nothing she said surprised me, but two things brought about anger in me that I’d not experienced in a long time:
- I got no credit for being a better person because she still believes that after two years of consistent progress, I’m only doing what I think she wants me to do.
- She said exactly: “I deserve to be happy and I’m not getting any younger”
Holy Free Holy Batman! Those two things burned white hot in me even if I refused to express my frustration to her. I’ve worked hard to be the person I am today and I’m constantly working towards more changes while making the other changes permanent. I’m making changes for me because that’s what I want and need in order to sleep at night. Telling me she thinks I’m only doing it to make right with her takes away much of my own inner satisfaction of my efforts to improve my outlook on life.
The second part is what it is. I’ve been defending her and supporting her in every way I could for the past two years in regards to family and with our kids. I do believe whole heartedly that she is going through MLC. No more confusion on my part.
My oldest son (12) has been asking so many difficult questions. No more defense. Anymore it’s about being a foundation for which my kids can lean on in hard times. When last pressed, I told my son that his mom was coming to a crossroad and that she will be making a decision. Whatever direction she chooses, she will make on her own. I told him this is neither good nor bad, that I don’t have the answers he’s looking for, but that his mom will let us know when she makes her decision. I told him that there’s nothing we can do for her except continue to live our lives and that no matter what, I will be there for him and his brother regardless of the path his mother chooses.
I’ve read a lot of stuff on MLC, making marriages work and whatever else I could get my hands on. I’ve recently begun to attend therapy again after a year off, but this time it’s for me. I haven’t anyone to talk too that is unbiased in my situation. I love my in-laws and they are pulling for me, but I will not involve them. I will not put them in a position to “choose sides”. I don’t talk to my family because I don’t like “cheerleading”. I don’t want to hear crap about “I’m proud of you for…” or “I can’t believe she would do….”. I don’t want to hear it, it’s counter-productive. I don’t talk about much with friends because I want nothing that will make for awkward situations in the future. I have to be able to dictate my own level of happiness so that I can be in the best position to help my kids.
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Oh, and my wife has an emotional bond with another guy. I’m not threatened by it. I figure she can go for it. I know him enough to know that he’s got so much baggage the airlines wouldn’t have any room for other passengers. And if that’s not enough, my oldest son would never approve. She would lose him forever because it’s his friend’s dad who’s been going through horrible divorce proceedings for over a year. My son has emotional control issues due to his ADHD and another man would be an act of betrayal that he would not overlook easily.
My wife knows my oldest son will be difficult to transition to single parent life. She said she wouldn’t disrupt the kids while they’re in school. Now that school’s out, it’s a waiting game for me. I had plans to buy new beds for the kids, but that’s on hold until my wife makes her move. I’m not going to make big purchases like that only to have to do it again after she takes the ones I just bought.
I know my wife is being pulled in a lot of directions right now and I do love her greatly, but her comment that “she’s not getting any younger” makes me feel like her leaving can’t come soon enough. I believe that she’s incapable right now of seeing the full impact of the choices she has been making and that she can only see them if she moves out.
I don’t like being in this waiting game. We stopped talking again and I’ve stopped caring again. It’s not where I want to be, but I have nowhere else to go. I keep my happy face on and I don’t bother texting or calling her unless required. If she stays, which is highly doubtful, then I want to hear it from her that she’s staying. If she goes, I want her to take everything but my clothes with her so I can rebuild my life how I want it.
……Schools out. She has three months to “not disrupt the kids during the school year”, as she puts it. Three months. Feels like a long time to wait for her to take a step after the past two years. If she wants out – get out. If she wants in, then I have to find a way for us to work together because I can’t do it alone anymore…….
