Thanks, Zig. I read your post really slowly, really trying to get all your points. Twice even.
I'm worried. The thing that stood out most was this:
Quote:
test it out for a few days here: approach your h with the singular intent of "i really want to be with this man, i really love him" and leave all the other stuff out and see if it makes a huge difference or not.
I had an immediate reaction. It was almost an emotional cringe. Like, ewww! Not indignation. Not arrogance. Not self-righteousness. Not confusion. Just utter distaste for the idea. Like I don't want to be close to him.
Why would that stand out for me? What does that mean? Do I really hate him that much? Is my sadness and desire about the M really about the M and not about him/us? Maybe I just really don't want to salvage my M. Maybe I just really don't love him anymore. Maybe I don't have any other answer to my H's email because there is nothing that can be done. Maybe it was over a long time ago and I'm only trying to revive it because we're still legal, and I don't want to be carrying his dead-weight. Maybe that's why none of the suggestions are setting well with me, because I just don't want to.
I don't need anyone to answer. No on can answer but me. I'm just thinking outloud. I need some time towards that. This is very disturbing.
