If H could not change, and did not change, from his fear of intimacy, refusal to acknowledge or share feelings, avoidance of problems, and absolute refusal to see any kind of future for us, well, I would become a WAS too. So if I thought - here he is and here he'll stay, this is the entire package take it or leave it - I would be settling too much if I stayed married to him.
Just changing my part in the dynamic has created changes that I can see, and I don't think he's aware of them. He said I don't listen, but I've learned to hear him in his language. A snide comment suggests a topic I should bring up later to kick around and find out what his thoughts are (I used to snipe back to stand up to him). A 'you-never' statement (you never remember to put away the garden tools) used to be something to argue and challenge, and now it's insight into how I'm coming across to him; an opportunity to negotiate agreement that we can both be satisfied with. There's so much more wrong with our R that we'll have to work on, but I can already see how to respond to him better and take his griping less personally. So I'm not buying the idea that he can't change...because WE have already changed. That is why I don't see as much point in looking closely at his issues and making a decision based on them now. I wouldn't say that as 'afraid' right now though I used that word a post ago.
In my pre-bomb marriage there were aspects I didn't think were 100% great - ML challenges, personality changes, jobs I thought were too stressful - but part of the commitment I made from the beginning was to grow with him, to roll with the changes, to accept and love him as he was. In his words, "you gotta take the good with the bad." I think settling conveys a sense of entitlement and superiority that I don't feel is realistic in my worldview. I made my choice based on all the information I gathered while we dated for four years, and I knew his drawbacks and thought we had great potential for a life together. We unfortunately didn't have the skill set needed to get through life's challenges, and I was blindsided when he decided to walk instead of work on things. It will take him seeing me in the perspective gained from separating himself from me, for him to decide if he would like to work on things after all.
As long as I see hope and opportunity I don't think I'm settling with him, but he's got to have space and time to continue on the path he's on and I'm trying to give it to him.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
