When it's a one-way street...part 5

[zig]

crazyville - this is getting a bit ridiculous - this back and forth between you and others on this board.

i think KD is right in his last post to you. everyone is gently trying to point out to you that the attitude you have towards your h is affecting very seriously how your sitch is continuing to develop.

we all keep asking you what you want. and you never reply to that question directly. there is a very defensive argumentative quality about your responses that leads me to ask:

DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY OR DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT?

which one do you think will lead you towards a good relationship with your h in the future? being right, or being happy?

in order to be happy you need to:
1. change your perspective about your h and what your relationship could be - you seem already resigned toward it not being so good, and so that's what it is continuing to be. you need to start imagining how good and beautiful you can be together, and if you don't want to imagine that , then you're here for all the wrong reasons
2. cut him some slack - a lot of slack - that's okay to do in a relationship - it comes from love, not being a doormat - it comes from acknowledging that both of you are human and have human reactions and that neither of you are perfect. Forgiveness is part of that, and letting things go
3. let go of your pride. Pride and ego in a relationship destroys the relationship. all of us here can attest to that. when we look back at what we did wrong and the reasons we did those things, pride and ego are at the root of most of them
4.you have to let go of the old stuff and change your perspective. you are bringing up old stuff all the time and viewing your h through the lens of the past. you cannot step towards anything new, if in your mind you interpret everything he says and does as he used to.

i still can't help thinking that you are straddling the fence - you are displaying qualities of the LBS and the WAS at the same time.

Your over critical attitude and not letting go and not understanding your h is from a the WAS position. Your wanting him to get back together is from the LBS position.

i am going to be blunt here again (since you gave me the okay earlier (grin)) but here's what i think:

I think that when you first were the WAS you were strong and sure. Then you changed your mind, and now when your h walked away, you want him back just for the sake of winning rather than you actually want him. You don't seem to show any signs of wanting things to really be better.

One of the most significant things that you wrote, was your attitude towards intimacy with him. My instinct tells me that even though you say that you don't have issues with intimacy, just issues with intimacy with him, i think you are avoiding dealing with something important that you need to deal with.

I know that feeling too well - when a man irritates and pisses you off all day, and then suddenly in the night he's all loving and wants to ML. in my own sitch that often happened and i would refuse h, which of course made things worse.

Now, i would LOVE the chance to be in a position with h where, after i've learned what i've learned, i can separate those two things and apply them.

men and women approach this so differently - if i had understood this before i don't believe my marriage would have failed.

women want the emotional connection BEFORE they have the physical one. Men are the exact opposite.

so it becomes a vicious circle - woman won't have sex because they're waiting for the connection first, not realizing that they will get in in spades AFTER they cut their partners some slack.

now i ask myself - is it more important to lose the opportunity for that connection, stubbornly waiting for the man to connect with them first, or more important to GIVE a little with no thought of what you get in return, and practically have that guaranteed?

GIVE A LITTLE crazyville - from where we're sitting you are a lot closer to what you say you want , than you realize.

lose the present "i don't give a rat's a$$ attitude " and change it to "i really love this man and we can be good together,let's figure out how"

test it out for a few days here: approach your h with the singular intent of "i really want to be with this man, i really love him" and leave all the other stuff out and see if it makes a huge difference or not. give it some time - he cannot respond overnight. and see if his responses totally change - you might be amazed!

and if he's a jerk to you sometimes - get over it - you can't say you've never been a jerk to him , can you? and aren't you expecting him to let that go?

hope you can really hear what i'm saying - and i hope you will go back and read through these last 2 weeks in your thread - you may see it in a slightly different way, what the very helpful responses to you have really been about.

we are all rooting for you here, crazyville - just getting frustrated - you'll get it though - you're close

take care
zig