Labug Come to think of it she never labeled me spineless, but her actions implied she had nothing but contempt bred from a lack of respect.
I'm in a very physically demanding and physical profession, but she'd mentally out spar me all the time. There is an element I can remember of just going with the flow, and this always bugged me that she was so demanding that it was just easier to give in. I remember for a time that I'd know it was a left turn but she'd be adamant its a right, so I'd take the right knowing full well it was a right, and then blame it on her for getting us lost. It really felt easier to just get lost, I figured maybe this way she'd learn to trust me. No trust just anger for letting her make the wrong choice. So yeah I know what your husband means when he says you are demanding.
On the other hand I truly thought that by avoiding conflict and giving in I was being a good husband. That she'd see all the sacrifices I was making for her and be appreciative. Instead she was repelled by what she saw as indecisiveness.
It's hard for a nice guy to grasp how him "doing his best not to get into a fight" is seen as his future WAW as him not caring about her. I mean this is what goes through our heads:
"wait she thinks I don't love her because I'm trying to avoid a fight? What the heck is wrong with her, if I didn't love her I'd be constantly fighting with her, instead I give her what she wants!"
I'm sorry to say this but your husbands probably think you are the most ungrateful women in the world.
I mean I gave my wife EVERYTHING I could and she still got fed up with me. I'm not going to lie that still hurts. As I'm sure your husbands still hurt about it too.
I also blame society phrases like "you can be right, or stay married" or "the wife is always right" are ingrained into our culture now. I know a lot of young men who just resign themselves to abusive situations, because that's what they think marriage is.
I think the key here though is that I've given up on believing that you can love someone unconditionally and expect the same in return. Not that I think W is incapable of love, but more like my love now comes with conditions.
Conditions like respect, loyalty, affection, sex, patience. Any woman who is not willing to provide these bare minimums can just move on.
I figured that if I didn't demand those traits eventually I'd just get walked all over again. I also figured that if I just moved to another relationship I was bound to make the same mistake again. So rather than seek another woman to have the marriage I always wanted, I decided to stay with the one I'm with and love and build the marriage here and now.
Like I wrote on Navy guys thread at first it was a living hell standing up for myself, we had sooo many fights and close calls. Eventually though the tide started changing. Luckily we now have more good days than bad, and are in better shape than pre-bomb. We still have a long way to go, but I'm definitely a happier guy.
