ps - hope this thread gets some traffic and we could have a good discussion on "doing what works"
i think i wouldn't be too off the mark if i said that most of us newbies here have NO idea what that really means.
It's the basic underlying tenet of DBing. It means it's a results-based approach, and not some "navel-gazing" one. You experiment with different approaches, strategies and tactics, and you monitor the results and you adjust accordingly. One example might be initiating hugs with your walkaway wife, perhaps one whose prior marital complaint was that you weren't affectionate enough: does she seem to respond to it, or does she pull away? If she responds to it, do more of it; if she doesn't seem to like it (or even says so), stop doing it.
That's just one example.
I like the concept, but the only caveat I'd throw out there (and it's kind of a big one) is that I see a lot of people that define "works" as "he/she is being nice to me," and I don't think that's the right measuring stick. I think the only appropriate measuring stick is "Is he/she making consistent, demonstrable moves back towards the marriage?" and you have to be really careful, because sometimes a cheating spouse will intentionally be "nice" to you in order to keep you as "plan B." Here's how I put it (from my personal archives):
On “Doing What Works”:
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
