When it's a one-way street...part 5

[Accuray]

Hi CV,

I had the same reaction as Zig, that when you focused on yourself and not the R you took pressure off of H and he didn't feel under the microscope. While that may have brought relief, he may at some point have also felt neglected and was a jerk or lashed out at you to get your attention.

Who knows though, it's so hard trying to understand your sitch because it's like peeking through a keyhole into a room twice a day and trying to piece everything together. It would be so very interesting to get H's take on things.

You've commented that "everyone is telling you it's obvious what to do" etc. I don't feel that way at all, it's far from obvious. If it was obvious, you would have already figured it out. You're hear because it's really challenging -- either because of who H is, because of who you are, or because of how you two come together.

In any case, I can share this:

My parents have been married around 45 years. At one point about 30 years ago, they separated for about 18 months. My father moved out and bought another house, and it really looked like things were over. They ended up reconciling, but I would continue to characterize their marriage as difficult. I don't believe they ever fully healed that rift.

They are both happy in spite of each other, but don't enjoy doing things together. They have their own hobbies and spend a lot of time doing their own thing. They sleep in separate bedrooms and have for years. My mother is a light sleeper and claims my father's sleeping patterns keep her from getting a good sleep.

My mother seems to be fine with this arrangement, but my father is not. He's very critical and snipes at her. She doesn't let him get a rise out of her, she just lets it roll off, sometimes she doesn't acknowledge what he says at all. Having spent a lot of time with them, I believe my father really wants more intimacy and affection -- he's very frustrated, so his way of taking out his frustrations is to be a jerk. He snipes at her to get her attention.

I share this because I see some parallels. Your situation is obviously quite different, but you have a husband who seems to want more love an affection, but has put you in a situation where you don't want to give it. His jerky behavior may be born of frustration, it may be a gambit to get your attention -- or it may just be who he is.

Unfortunately I only have "keyhole" view from here.

Accuray