In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[cat04]

You might say that my interest in working things out with my H and having a good marriage is settling because I might find someone out there who I can be more fulfilled with. I don't look at it that way.

With counseling I've seen some shortcomings in H, emotionally, that will likely never change. Do I throw in the towel, become an active participant in the divorce, and tell my kids that we agreed that divorcing was the best thing for us so we could find more happiness elsewhere? I don't think so.

I believe all relationships are composed of imperfect people who need the skills and tools to make the best life together that they can. I'm still ready to do this with H, whole heartedly. I don't call that settling. I vowed 18 years ago to love and honor him till death do us part, not till I don't like how things are going. If/when he divorces me, I'll feel released from my vows but I don't yet feel or want to feel that way.

I think there would need to be a different way of looking at this if my presence was hurting h or damaging our kids, but in the past year I've learned to change my part in our dynamics and our home is pleasant. My h is no longer stressed out and miserable. I believe if we could change this much we can change more. If he can't get himself interested in working on the relationship it'll be hopeless, but we are in a process that takes time. Just because he has said before that he's not interested doesn't mean he can't change his mind. Every reconciliation on this board happened because someone changed their mind.

Yes, every reconciliation on this board happened because someone changed their mind.

Every divorce happened for the very same reason.

I don’t think it is settling to want a better M. I don’t think it is settling to hope that that is possible.

I believe we as LBS, should do everything in our power to make it possible for a reconciliation to happen. That means recognizing and learning to accept our S as they are. I don’t know if it means dissecting every little action or word from them necessarily. I think we can get to deep in trying to analyze our S and then it does appear like settling. As we analyze and accept our own behaviors and thoughts, we can simply learn to accept that people are different and that is the way of life. The only reason to go deeper with our S’s behavior is to know if it is something that we can accept into our lives or not. When we are able to do that, that is when we know if we are settling or not.

I'm afraid to look too closely at things because I want my faulty H and my faulty M to make it and become better with me. I'm afraid to open my heart to other people too much, to put myself in tempting situations, and to really let go and live, because I still feel committed to my M until my H declares that we are done.

Tempting situations are not good for anyone who is vulnerable or still wanting their M. I agree wholeheartedly with avoiding those situations until you are sure you are ready for the possible outcomes.

That being said, being afraid of letting go and living for yourself, avoiding looking too closely at things, is actually damaging to the possible future of your M and your life IMO.

The only fear that I see here is the fear that maybe, just maybe, if you do these things, you may very well end up finding that you agree with your WAS and you don’t want this M anymore. It is a valid fear. It is one that happens sometimes. If it is a fear that you refuse to face, then you do end up either settling for a M that maybe you don’t really want or an unfulfilled life.

If reconciliation comes, you will be ahead of your H. You will have to be patient and wait for him to “catch up” with you. That is part of DB as well. It is why it is said that piecing is harder than standing. It is also a necessary part of the process.

And my thoughts turned to, if we divorce now, he won't even know the woman he is divorcing, because I didn't know the person I've become could even exist.