The Climb - Thread #6

[25yearsmlc]

Navy
25 and Starsky gave me the same advice less than a year ago. It's good advice it really is. That being said I didn't take it. At least not 100%

GB, you know, this ^^^ rendition of factss varies so much from mine BUT truly it does not bother me, and I'm NOT angry, okay GB? It's a little funny b/c it's soooo NOT how I recall that exchange.

I know I never told you to give up or to leave your wife.

I thought your "rules of engagement" (my choice of words, hope they don't offend) were structured for failure to start with.

I never bought into your open marriage concept and did not think it could work
I have heard and seen ONE marriage do it and lasted quite a few years, but there were kids to bond them. They were both very secure in their relationship and their sexuality and they got along well in all other areas.

Still, eventually, one of them "Fell in love" with a lover and left the spouse. It was the wife who left. Only on TV have I "seen" it work.

I never believed an open marriage would work or last w/you or your wife.

WAY too many sexual issues existed within your marriage to invite others into it, or so I felt then. Plus her anger and her quasi medical reasons/conditions or excuses (I don't know which, honestly) for no contact...

I recall you saying She's cut you off for "any reason or for no reason" and,

off the top of my head, I don't know if I ever heard of that much sexual manipulation, or using it as a weapon to the extent your w did. Plus she was just mean to you at times.

If I recall correctly, she flat out told you she wasn't attracted to you. I have to hand it to you, Those are harsh words to ever hear in a marriage. (and I think they're off limits. NO ONE ever needs to say that).

Despite the hardships we have faced - that's one of those "too deep for me to heal from" wounds, so I'd have not been able to hang in there. That's JUST ME and my stuff, but hey, more power to you if you can work thru that.

& I Don't know about how things are now...

ANYHOW I never saw that specific issue as being similar in this marriage of Navy's (though his m too, lacks intimacy).

What hits me as most similar is the abuse both women give/gave to their spouses and

from the way you two describe your own behavior, which is probably biased-you're human-

but you both sound reasonably objective when you post here,

so the abuse was just NOT understandable or okay or acceptable then or now.
Or ever. Both wives seemed to believe you h's had unlimited patience and that in a way, since THEY were in pain, you were acceptable scapegoats.

I don't know where or how they learned that, but there's no chance of them UNlearning it by you still accepting it.

How to make it stop? since you only control YOU, that means YOU cannot change THEM

so you may not be able to make them stop, so THEN,

you have to go. They need to KNOW you will leave, for good

if they don't shape up. For some, ONLY ACTUALLY LEAVING or inviting THEM TO GO (Navy I hope that's the choice you make b/c your wife is too depressed and alcoholic to get custody...you need to get it)

Or you can live with an unacceptable level of anger, & ugly behavior directed towards you the rest of your life...

Here's what I did:

I opened all the doors, let her know she was free to leave, that I wasn't going to chase her once she did.


GB, How is this ^^ different from our advice? (He has children, bear in mind). Seems like what Starsky and I are saying.

Except I believe she'll bolt and stay gone for awhile whereas your w has no legit means of support outside of you. But if Navy's wife leaves him for now, so be it.


I slowly and systematically let her know what my unnegotiables are, held fast to them.

How did you "hold fast to them"?

Did you leave when she did them?

OR somehow did she never ever break any of your non negotiables again?

This is the meat of it.

In essence I slowly and consistently held her to task, and let her know she was free to walk if she disagreed.

So far the results have been encouraging.

The path has been hell. Lots of sleepless nights, when you think you finally pushed too hard and she will leave tomorrow.

But the point is you have to push, and every time you push it'll feel like she will leave, heck she may even do it, and that's not bad. What type of woman is she if she leaves for you demanding respect?

good question


The saying it's always darkest before dawn holds true here. It may get real ugly she may say and do some pretty mean things. If you hold on to yourself she'll realize she can't stay and treat you like she does.

I don't know what "she'll realize" but the fact MUST be, that "she can't stay AND treat you like she does."

Are you ready to demonstrate that Navy?