So his guilt and shame is directly related to me. Beyond that, I don't know if he carries any guilt or shame for anything. He seems very good at forgiving himself. Maybe too good, because then he just does the same thing again.
So what to do about that? I feel like I'm being punished twice for his sin. Do I just tell him it's fine, no problem, lying is no big deal, in order to alleviate his guilt?
If he continues to do the same things over and over again, it's possible that he's not feeling guilty or ashamed at all. He's just feigning contrition so that he can carry on getting away with behaving badly.
And no, you don't tell him it's fine to alleviate his guilt. Don't even address his guilt...it's not yours to alleviate.
Address his behavior. He's treating you like crap and it's unacceptable and you won't tolerate it any longer or some such thing.
If he is feeling truly guilty, then a change in his behavior will solve his problem.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Please don't be happy to SPITE (in spite of) your husband. You indicate you need a reason to do things? Do you need to spite your husband in order to be happy?
Just be happy... no reason...
(benign and honest questions) Do you need me to acknowledge that you answered my question about volunteering, directly? Was there a reason for answering my question directly? Is there anything else that you would like from me, for having answered that question directly?
I do not need answers to any of the above questions. I simply want you to consider... why does everything you do need a reason? That becomes expectations. With those expectations, you are setting yourself up for failure. What value do you get from that? You asked at one point if you need to lower the bar for your H. So then it becomes a sitch of your H measuring up... but you KNOW you lowered the bar... so you are still keeping score...
Here's the question that I would like to know the answer to:
It was years ago, something my mom set up for the family. I did it because I had to at the time, because mom said so.
Quote:
Just be happy... no reason...
I don't need a reason. I am generally a happy person. I only get this way when I'm trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, and everyone keeps telling me it's obvious how to do it and I'm doing it wrong.
It's not TO spite my H, it is IN spite of. He is a jerk to me in many ways. The only real challenge is going to be to maintain my happiness in the context of life with him, similar to a kid having to deal with a bully. Being happy on my own has always been easy for me. Be damned if I do, damned if I don't in the context of a M relationship gets a little draining.
Just a note, in regards to when I was being my naturally happy self this weekend, I didn't spend one minute working on the R, didn't spend one minute sharing anything intimate with him (HE shared his job/work decision issues which he calls intimacy,) didn't spend one minute planning the weekend with him or even spending much time with him, didn't really give him much thought at all. I just treated him like he was my gay roommate.
H said tonight that he really enjoyed it and appreciated it. He told me that it was so great, he thought that sex might even be a possibility! LOL! Where in the world would THAT come from?! HE didn't do or act any differently, I did. Sex has been off the table for months! And I certainly wasn't flirtatious!
Jimminy! I need to step away because this is Crazyville for me.
after reading your post - my first thought was - have you been pursuing him too much in some way, is he feeling too much pressure form you in some way?
the moment you backed off, you gave him the space to come towards you.
my word of the day is "over functioning". could it be you've been over functioning all this time, and so he's felt he had to under function?
if you got such a positive result - him moving toward you in some way - then you "did what works"
and from your description what worked was to back off, not work on the R , not work on anything. sounds like he needs to feel he has some say in how this goes and the space to do it in.
good job, crazyville -
btw - your last sentence - sounds like you may have some issues to work on with the idea of being intimate with your h?
where that came from seems to me, that when you backed off a bit it allowed him to see you, how attractive you are to him, it gave him the space to think of how it could be good with you. when you didn't give him a thought, as you say, he didn't feel the pressure. and when you didn't give him a thought, you were busy being the fun focused you who's good to be around. that's attractive.
so keep working on yourself - and focusing on you and allow it to happen.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Nope, just tired of him hurting me. Stepping away, focusing on me, going to be my naturally happy self. Besides, I've already witnessed that doing that makes him happy, too, so I have no idea what your complaint is, or how you think that's punishing him.
Zig, I have issues with being intimate with my H because I have issues with my H, not because I have issues with intimacy. Even this weekend amidst his happiness with me, he was still a jerk to me several times. I just opted to not let it bust my mood. It doesn't draw me to him, however.
So, day one of stepping away and having some summer fun: It's raining so that foils my plans for a bike ride or kite flying, so instead I think we'll go to the movies. I'm going to do a little volunteer work up at church this morning while it's cool then plan for a matinee. Oh, and I have to pick up books for my summer classes.
I had the same reaction as Zig, that when you focused on yourself and not the R you took pressure off of H and he didn't feel under the microscope. While that may have brought relief, he may at some point have also felt neglected and was a jerk or lashed out at you to get your attention.
Who knows though, it's so hard trying to understand your sitch because it's like peeking through a keyhole into a room twice a day and trying to piece everything together. It would be so very interesting to get H's take on things.
You've commented that "everyone is telling you it's obvious what to do" etc. I don't feel that way at all, it's far from obvious. If it was obvious, you would have already figured it out. You're hear because it's really challenging -- either because of who H is, because of who you are, or because of how you two come together.
In any case, I can share this:
My parents have been married around 45 years. At one point about 30 years ago, they separated for about 18 months. My father moved out and bought another house, and it really looked like things were over. They ended up reconciling, but I would continue to characterize their marriage as difficult. I don't believe they ever fully healed that rift.
They are both happy in spite of each other, but don't enjoy doing things together. They have their own hobbies and spend a lot of time doing their own thing. They sleep in separate bedrooms and have for years. My mother is a light sleeper and claims my father's sleeping patterns keep her from getting a good sleep.
My mother seems to be fine with this arrangement, but my father is not. He's very critical and snipes at her. She doesn't let him get a rise out of her, she just lets it roll off, sometimes she doesn't acknowledge what he says at all. Having spent a lot of time with them, I believe my father really wants more intimacy and affection -- he's very frustrated, so his way of taking out his frustrations is to be a jerk. He snipes at her to get her attention.
I share this because I see some parallels. Your situation is obviously quite different, but you have a husband who seems to want more love an affection, but has put you in a situation where you don't want to give it. His jerky behavior may be born of frustration, it may be a gambit to get your attention -- or it may just be who he is.
Unfortunately I only have "keyhole" view from here.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
