this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

journaling

and brit - yes we should start it.

had a ragged day today - sharp edges and a lot of wobbling and teetering over, but now at the end of the day a lot has come to light for myself.

i'm seeing our relationship in another light and understanding more deeply why it didn't work.

a conversation with mil, and thought what i discovered didn't come up during it, it was triggered by something she said.

i found that even though i thought i trusted h implicitly during our marriage, it wasn't true. i didn't trust him, and that's how i sabotaged a lot in the relationship.

it was a real eye-opener for me - to find that out. a few days ago i had finally been able to understand how disappointed i was in how he functioned and had hidden that emotion behind anger, but now when i realize how much i didn't trust him, it's back to me and the reasons for it.

so of course it leads to the whole fixer/controller issues i had and why i have them. it's painful to let go of the control, and as i let go of it, these things are coming to light.

so i had this crazy dream right before i woke up this morning that had me ragged through most of the day. it was like there was such a strong message there and i couldn't get the message. the dream itself was about one of my biggest fears in this sitch - h marrying ow and to boot, my mom was hanging out with her!! in the dream i was not angry or hurt or upset - just incredibly frustrated. the emotion was huge.

so of course i was freaked when i woke up - i felt as if my sub-conscious was betraying me utterly by letting me dream that.

but at our cookout this evening i talked to one of s's friends mom whose a therapist and asked her what her take on dreams was.

i didn't tell her what the dream was about . i just said that in the dream one of my very conscious fears was playing out that i didn't want to happen and that the emotion i felt in the dream was incredible frustration.

she replied that i was just working my fears out and that it didn't mean it was going to happen. i asked her if there was a message in the emotion i felt and she said that what was always a good starting point was to take that emotion and ask myself "how can i help others with this?" and that it would lead to an opening of ideas and thoughts that would just keep moving.

i don't know if i explained that very well. but i came home and then it hit me - the frustration i feel has been there for years - and i've always been passive about it - and that how i could help others is by finding a way to get rid of it within myself. and then i saw how i still after all this reading and working on myself, continue to feel incredibly frustrated because i actually don't take the right action for me and others.

i don't talk to and let h know when something is bothering me. i'm waiting for him to fix it, because isn't it so obvious already that it's a problem? thoughts like that started coming into my mind and it led me to call him and apologize for blowing off him wanting to make another appointment with the therapist for s (a month ago - i was frustrated because he hadn't made it for 2 weeks and called to suggest doing it the evening of the day we had agreed to go)

to my utter amazement and confusion, he just simply said yes we could go - very coolly, and said he'd set it up.

even then, i found myself not trusting his yes - but am going to stay with it and LEARN to trust when he says he'll do something that he means it. i'm finding myself wondering whether that was more the case in the past, but because i didn't trust him, i caused whatever it was to fail or not go as well. i'm still disconcerted and not sure at all if he really wants to go or is just saying yes because i asked, but maybe it's time for me to change my way of thinking and understand that his is a different way to go about things (in my mind, if he had really wanted to go he would have pushed the issue, right???)

so i'm learning a lot here - not so easy to put into words, but new awarenesses on a "feeling/sensing" level.

aaah , i wish i could say all i wanted to say in a shorter more compact form - i admire all of you that can write so concisely - it embarrasses me that my posts are so long!!

btw - s and i had a great time tonight - the works - lots of laughter, lots of playing and a good weeping session by me in the driveway - yes i have wonderful friends - even that didn't put a damper on the party - we just laughed about it together - that was a first for me!! weeping at a party!!

but it's good now

zig