Optimistic...not hopeless! :)

[Accuray]

Glad to hear that was helpful! I went through the same thing and worked long and hard trying to understand it. I really felt like "number 2", that I had been easily replaced, and that I could not compete -- and I hated it! My W was emotionally intimate with OM in a way she never was with me -- and still is not.

What I pass along came from a great MC that I found who helped me with that. At one point I realized that I was not #2, and that it would never be a fair comparison. There's no way that a 16 year husband and father of 3 can compete with the excitement and secrecy of an affair. There's nothing I could do that would "woo" my W the way an exciting stranger can, simply because she knows me too well. There cannot be danger there, and without danger there is less excitement.

Interestingly enough, W didn't view it as a comparison either, she had really compartmentalized it and viewed it as "life #1" and "life #2" -- WAS logic I guess. In any case, she shared that she realized the affair was based on fantasy, and therefore knew it wouldn't work long term. In her words she said it was like a "popsicle" and our marriage was the real meal. All the same, she was addicted to it and did what she could to keep it going.

The addictive effect is really powerful and can't be underestimated. The saddest thing to me about DB is when a LBS really figures out how to DB effectively, but despite their awesome execution, they see no results because OP is still in the picture and the addiction is raging. There is literally nothing you can do -- the goal is not to make your situation worse, because you really can't make it better until things run their course. This is frustrating and awful.

I was very lucky, because I found out about OM right AFTER he had declared "no contact" and his W had found out what was going on. To his credit, he went "cold turkey" and has not reached out since. I say I was lucky, because I did not have to stand by and watch it happen like so many do. I did, however, have to deal with her grieving her lost love, which made her very angry with me. She said horrible things to me during that period, and I remember every one of them.

Once we started to piece, it became very important to me that W was "choosing" me for who I was, and not just because I represented the path of least resistance. Unfortunately, it's impossible to separate the person from "the package" they represent, such as intact family, improved finances, etc. That's another things that the LBS has to battle through and come to terms with.

In any case, I really do appreciate all the kinds words. My "love language" is words of affirmation. W is not willing to speak it, so it really does make me feel good when I'm able to help others.

I hope everyone had a great weekend of GAL activities and was able to take some joy from the break.

Accuray