New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

So the boat is gone, as is a bunch more of H's things.

It was really tough. He was here for about 90 minutes and we had a good talk.

I gave him the speech about how we had a good life, things were missing but on balance it was good, I've always believed our marriage was worth fighting for and was willing to meet him half way, but that now i'm lonely and need companionship and wanted to be transparent with him. He appreciated that, and didn't say anything about it otherwise.

He did open up to me somewhat and suggested that something happened to him as a child that is at the root of his unwillingness to trust and his avoidance of intimacy. He told me he didn't want to talk about it and I immediately let it go.

He also told me that he hated seeing how our marriage was destroying me because of his issues. He hopes I don't ever meet another person who surrounds himself with brick walls. I said I'll know next time, that if the person refuses to talk about the past that it's a timebomb. He acknowledged that I'm not any of the terrible things he said I was, and said there's nothing in his upbringing that accounts for any of this.

I didn't ask whether he's talking to a therapist but it sounds like he might be because he put some pretty heavy things out there. I didn't ask about the homewrecker either. Maybe she's coaching him through this...I hope not.

He plans to reach out to my brother in law and has thought about reaching out to his fishing buddy but said "the boat goes two ways" and fb could reach out to him "but I guess this kind of is all my fault". We both chuckled. He said he misses my cousin most but is not sure why as he didn't see him that often. I said "and not me?" and we chuckled again.

We held hands while we talked, and hugged. He kept telling me I'm a good person. He didn't kiss me on the forehead like he had before, but put his head in the crook of my neck.

I thanked him for opening up to me, for trusting me with this information. He thanked me for taking a risk and sharing what I did.

I told him I know that he has to travel this journey alone. He said he wishes sometimes he could just live on a boat and not have a care in the world. I said there are always cares. He still plans to take me out fishing.

I sense a finality about things. He's in a completely different place right now, not connected to our marriage at all. My heart really is broken at this moment.

However, I feel that if the breakdown of our marriage has given him what he needed to deal with the pains of the past then I'd walk this road again in a heart beat, no matter how difficult and no matter the outcome.

But I aldo really hope that he isn't working through all of this with homewrecker and her kid at his side.

I'm sad in my heart. Not for me, but for him and for us and for this. But I'm so glad I chose to be kind. Life is short.