It seems I do best in actualizing what everyone is saying when I'm not trying to have a R with my H, when I'm just living for me. The only time I really got any real support for my position was when I stated the following: - I'm going to be happy. Not because of H, but in spite of H. - I'm going to be happy, and I'm not going to let H be responsible for that in any way. - My personal happiness can't be dependent upon a healthy M, so I need to spend my time/energy on me instead of our M.
It is so easy for me to be happy when I'm not trying to work on our M. Yes, there is a background throb of pain that my M is so cr@ppy, but that exists sporatically for a lot of things (ie. the neighbor couple that just died, one week apart, 53 years together; what a wonderful love story!) It's just the bittersweet part of life. I don't need my M to be happy. I just need to distance myself from it again so that it/H isn't prodding me.
Last night I moved back in to the other BR. I slept great! I'm happy that I slept great. I like the other BR. I'm going to stay there because I want to, and not move back in because H wants me to.
I'm going to adjust my search for a counselor to be one that helps me to cope with the things that frustrate me. I don't intend to have H join me.
I start school again next week. S is off school and I plan on doing something with him everyday. H will be at work so it doesn't even need to involve him and he can't complain. I'm so looking forward to summer!
