New to DB

[NLW]

Busting,

Just wanted to say thanks for putting your story up there and for providing such insightful detail.

I feel for you.

There are so many parallels between what you have experienced and the path I have found myself on with my H.

I have big financial problems brought about by my H's business failures, but aside from that, our sitch's look very similar.

You are much further along in your level of personal insight however, and you have really made me think by putting your story down in this way.

Thank you.

[bustingout]

Advina and NLW thank you-- again I feel so much comfort and relief on this post.

NLW-i feel for you too. You know in a funny ( not haha ) way, the commonalities between all of these threads is both comforting and frustrating! Frustrating because it makes me want to just say to my H " see! We are not abnormal! We are normal! This can work! We are not alone and what you/ us are experiencing is not hopeless!"

But then again, they can't see that. Not now. Maybe one day.

I have been reading a lot about MLC on this forum and in the DB book and I really wonder if that's what is happening with H. Maybe there is a depression at the core of this.

Not that that would absolve me of my own role in the M or change the techniques we are trying to use. I want to get better goo. I want to be the woman mother and wife I know I can be. It's the reality of the situation that puts obstacles in my way. But it is mind over matter now.

25- I get what you are saying very much. And I can see how it would be easier in person.

And how I have to do something very very different now. In that sense I have by not contacting him at all. NOT AT ALL. And it has done a lot for my self esteem and my dignity.

I reject a spouse that would do this to me.

But being in the dark this long, with H ALSO not contacting me or the kids freaks me out!

Because I know he is with OW.

And I fear another bomb.

But as I said in my last post I asked him to leave me alone for now. And so I guess he is ( he is like a natural born DBer or something). I just didn't think hen would leave us ALL alone.

In one of our last phone conversations before the dark he said " I know you so well, you will never change".

I will change. I am chaging. For me. And for my kids. And for my family.

I want to say that I feel yet able to offer advice as I find myselfnin a mess from e decisions I have made thus far. But my heart is with you all.

Busting out x

[bustingout]

25- I understand why he would see me as the reason why he is not with his kids. In fact a part of me feels that too. I messed up and forced him away. My kids are not living with him becaus of me.

A part of me can see how that is twisted, but i have felt that. That because of what has happened, because I was not the bestvi could be, in was not therefore the best mother I could be by protecting my kids from a broken family.

I am not fully detached. But I am doing things differently by not contacting him.

But he has not called or come back so he actually has not been able to hear a happy me or see a happy me ( even the act as if happy me).

25- thank you again. I keep terracing your post to learn more.

Busting out

[bustingout]

Re reading your post! Not terracing ( auto correct! Lol)

[NLW]

In one of our last phone conversations before the dark he said " I know you so well, you will never change".

Busting,

My H said this to me too: word-for-word, in fact.

It's so disheartening, isn't it? After what we have been through and the effort we've put in to making real, considered, deep changes to ourselves.

The thought that it's only time - and lots of it - that might enable them to see that we can be different is also hard to deal with. They are so entrenched in their belief that we can only be as we were.

25- I understand why he would see me as the reason why he is not with his kids. In fact a part of me feels that too. I messed up and forced him away. My kids are not living with him becaus of me.

A part of me can see how that is twisted, but i have felt that. That because of what has happened, because I was not the bestvi could be, in was not therefore the best mother I could be by protecting my kids from a broken family.

I am not fully detached. But I am doing things differently by not contacting him.

This, too, is almost exactly where I'm at. It was a real revelation to me to read 25's comments on your thread.

The more I can try to see things from my H's point of view, the better I am able to act compassionately and with unconditional love towards him. And hopefully, the more I can detach, too. When I get there, I will really have achieved something for myself.

Busting, I found solace in a long series of posts by AliSuddenly. She and her mlc partner reconciled after 18 months, but initially, he was gone, gone, gone. He had long periods of NC as well. She has a list of all her threads on the 1st page of her final thread. Highly recommended.

Thinking of you,
NLW

[bustingout]

Hi NLW-

Thank you for your post. I read your stitch the other day and I do see what you are talking about in terms of our similarities. Hug hug. I am glad we found each other :-)

And I will read the thread you recommended. Solace is always welcomed.

Well.. H called for the first time in over two weeks.

I actually found two missed calls from him on the phone and just as I was looking at them the house phone rang.

Thankfully my daughter answered because I was starting to panic ( act as if! Be upbeat! Sound happy! Sound vague! Sound sincere! Hang up first! Ahhhhh!)


Well...she did the obvious thing ' when are you coming home daddy'

Ater she spoke to him she said ' here mommy wants to talk with you' and gave me the phone ( she also said that daddy said hen would meet us at the start of our summer holiday in two weeks) I waited a 30 seconds to compose myself...

I think I did it. Upbeat - was also a little disinterested, when he asked how I was i just said 'good!' I didn't ask him how he was, where he has been what he is doing, when he is coming or where he is going. Phew.

He asked about how things are going in the country I just said 'hot!' and he said that summer plans are confirmed ( I was a bit concerned that he wouldn't book them as promised a month ago)

He lingered. Sounded subdued. I didn't respond to it. When his questions stopped, and there was silence I remembered to end it first so said ' well I gotta go am in the middle of a movie with D'.

I have to say I was shaking the whole time. And after words I felt like throwing up!. I actually tried to centre myself by meditating ...but I actually don't know how to meditate ! Lol just know I am supposed to find my third eye or something. Lol

Anyway- it by no means changes anything or means anything...but I am pleased I have stayed on my DB path. I needed that call to continue busting.

I still don't know where he is (didn't ask...act as if I don't care), but it seems like I will see him when we start the summer holidays.

Will cross that bridge when we get there I suppose.

Ok I have to go now...( no am not DB ing you! Lol), but D is waiting to play.

Will be back later. X

Busting out

[bustingout]

Was talking to my H's best friend last night (who is also the H of MY best freind, we used to do a lot of couple/family stuff together), and he pointed out something that is so obvious I couldnt believe it.

My H is not just working in another town. It is a deliberate move practically. He is LIVING there. To be with OW. He has left everything behind here, even is work. OW must have hated that he would come over everyday and be with us on the weekends.

My H's friend said that H doesnt even really call him anymore. its like my H has shut out everyone for this OW.

H's friend also said he didnt think H expected me to react the way I have been (go DBing!) and i was pleased to hear that.

back later

busting

[bustingout]

Good Morning everyone.

So far (its only 9 am my time). All is well.

I spoke to my DB Coach yesterday... its only the second time but i feel so EMPOWERED after speaking with her.

I think what I find a bit hard sometimes as we continue to let go, detach, is conflicting feelings of wanting to keep the M together and the family together but learning to GAL without H. It sometimes feels like bring pulled in two direcvtions.

Anyway. Just a thought.

Will check in later.

[jks]

I think what I find a bit hard sometimes as we continue to let go, detach, is conflicting feelings of wanting to keep the M together and the family together but learning to GAL without H. It sometimes feels like bring pulled in two direcvtions.

I feel the very same way. I very much feel torn ALL the time.

[jks]

25years, is there any way that you could stop over at my thread and shed some light on my situation?? I am seriously so desperate right now. Feeling like I might be at my end.