H stopped over yesterday to drop off some stuff he took on a camping trip over the weekend. He was supposed to camp until today, but he decided to cut the trip short. I asked him why and he replied "I didn't feel like staying another day". He looked totally exhausted. I was getting ready to head out and I told him he could take a nap or a shower while I was gone if he felt like it. I hugged him before I left and he just seemed so...depleted. It made me feel so sad.
I'm still waiting to receive this "letter" he told me about last week. He has IC tomorrow and I think he wanted to show it to the counselor before giving it to me. I don't really know what to think about it. My next IC is Saturday. After the first session, we all decided to each do an IC before setting another joint app't with the MC.
I can't help but feel a lot of sadness and guilt when I see how much of a struggle this is for him. I'm not saying he's struggling with being separated per se, but just the fact that he has nearly an hour commute back/forth from his work each day and how he's living with a friend and his spouse, sleeping on an air mattress...his whole routine has been uprooted. Me, I'm still living in our house, with our cats, getting by day to day. I'm actually in a much better rhythm routine-wise and am finally starting to take care of myself in ways I'd neglected for years. In other words, I think the actual physical separation has been easier on me than him. And I feel guilty because of it. Is that weird? I mean, he was the one who left...why should I feel badly for him?
Ok, maybe that doesn't sound quite right. I feel badly for him because I love him and hate seeing him miserable. Granted, he was miserable here with me, but now its like there's a new level of misery or something. I truly believe he's had depression and anger issues for a long time. I'm also hoping that IC helps him recognize that and that he learns better ways of dealing.
Of course, I have my issues to work through as well. Unlike H, I hold in my anger until it seeps out in passive-aggressive ways. This has been a recurring theme in our R and I'm sure led in part, to where things have landed today.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
