Not only did it make sense I felt like you were talking about me!!!
That's so true the whole "I didn't want to argue" "I knew you'd just yell at me" That's so not true. We never fought and when I tried to fight or like you say get him to take a stand he would always
He throws in my face that we did "all these things" because it's what I wanted. But like your H he never said or proposed any thing HE wanted. And so I would get insecure and start second guessing "do you really want to have kids or is that because I brought it up?" "well we're not getting any younger we probably should" Which then led me thinking I would never know if he was unhappy in the R, that he would just exist, hang out in the garage, playing with projects and I would be left not knowing if he loved me. Which is what happened....only I got thrown under bus because I left.
He says that he just went along with whatever I wanted and never stood up for himself and he thinks if we got back together it would still happen because of my strong personality. I said "so you don't trust yourself not to slip into that pattern again?" and he said "I hadn't thought it that way but yes" Now I realize of course he hadn't thought of it that way because THAT WAY takes the blame off my strong personality and puts the responsibility for how he reacts in a situation on him.
I am certainly a controller/fixer. MIL once told H's sis that when we're older I'll be the one in the family everyone calls in times of trouble because I can handle things. Instead of feeling proud I thought when do I get to be the irresponsible one?
When I think back to the beginning of our R, he never planned then. There's this whole example of our first date that I won't go into but basically he made me plan it and because of that I almost didn't go....he used the same tactic almost word for word on GF and laughed about it to me. We did have some things that we planned together. By the time he wanted to plan something anything I was already too resentful and angry and would shoot it down.
UGH this discussion is making me angry LOL
Like you bug, I was not an easy person, I wanted my own way, and I can be controlling. I'm working on that. And *if* we tried again I would hope that he would find the space to stand up and state what he wants because I would have stopped being selfish and demanding. It was a cycle I do know that.
