In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

Yes labug, we do have positive interactions. For example, with the new pup, we've been struggling with the issues he brings, and I can see h's frustration when he starts calling him "your dog". But we are discussing, and talking about solutions, and I've supported some of his less conventional methods, and this week he got the crate out and I applauded his good thinking and how well it's been working so far. All the while we share laughs about how silly he is as we're talking about his poop and he's laying there on his back looking all goofy. Hard to explain, but working together and laughing is good.

Positive interactions like connecting and sharing something not external (kids/dog) are not really happening as he is very actively avoiding me, or actively running toward something else. He's not home much, just arriving and departing mostly.

He shared a comment about his bikeride yesterday. He had come in from an overnight out, got his bike, and left until mid-afternoon, and I had not asked with whom or where or anything. So he shared the following: "Wow, michelleR always complains that she can't lose weight, but after we rode 60 miles together she got a DairyQueen blizzard." huh. I responded "Gee, those have a lot of calories." Couple of things. One is I'm pissed that he leaves us to go on 60 mile rides with someone from his office. A long time ago he kept talking about this Michelle and invited me on a bikeride with her. I was a little suspicious back then and when I met her I was relieved because she is rather heavy, middle aged, not especially attractive - and h has always been quite overtly biased against heavy people, and made it clear to me that if I weren't fit he would not love me as much (nother story, we've been over that before in previous threads) - the point is she was not someone I viewed as a threat. But she is an example of the lost kitten types he seems to collect. She wants to get into shape so he'll bend over backwards and give away family time to meet her for hours. I was surprised to hear this was who he met this weekend, but I didn't express surprise and I'm not dwelling on it. We've all known it's possible he has an OW and I remain convinced that what I do wouldn't be different either way so I'm not beating myself up with the idea.

Second thought about it is he chose to share something negative. It is his way - I think he will say something potentially impressive about someone (60-mile ride) but qualify it by cutting something about it down (ice cream). When we hiked after bomb date the week our kids were at camp, he talked about his friend and a girl climbing some famous mountain, and cut it down by saying it was just a touristy thing, that the guides do almost all the work, no big deal. Many example of this. I think he feels less inadequate if he can show these admirable things others do are no good for x or y reason. I'm sorry to see that he seems so un-valuable himself to need to do that.

Done mind reading him, just wanted to journal out these two thoughts. I'm off to figure out how to have fun today on the holiday.

Bug, a lot is painful, and I don't think I'm so steeled as much as confident that I'll be able to deal. I can take it and roll with it. I'll be ok but I'll hurt some in the meantime and that is OK. If it didn't hurt I wouldn't be human or as emotional and intensely feeling as I am, and I wouldn't choose that.