So sorry you discovered the email. Being lied to and taken for granted by the person we thought we were building a life with is unbelievably painful.
I'm on two minds about my approach. When I saw the emails I threw him out immediately. Part of me wishes I'd been more strategic, covert about it, but the other part of me believes that by telling him I will not be treated this way, and you cannot have the benefits of our marriage if you are not present in it, I was able to do my grieving, sort myself out, detach and move forward more quickly. And he had no choice but explore his own behavior.
What I don't regret is making the rest of my choices wisely...I was consistently kind and generous with H (protecting myself, of course, but not witholding to hurt), and in my case made it a priority that his relationship with his D be saved. I do not regret my kindness.
Dont confront him (hard as it will be).
Don't make any rash decisions (use intellect, not emotion).
Go hard with the 180s
Keep yourself busy and focused on YOUR LIFE and DON'T explain yourself to him. (When you don't come home as expected, you were "out with a friend". When you aren't where he thinks you should be, you have "lots of things on the go." When he invites you to eat together or whatever, you have "other plans". Do not offer this information; respond only when he asks.)
Go hard with acting "as if" (the dinners together stop now, as does making his appointments, reminding him of his responsibilities, etc.).
As your sig says, DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT.
He will probably get p!ssed off, but he will also QUICKLY figure out that you know what he's been up to. HE MUST OWN IT. If you confront him, the likelihood of him owning it is less.
I know from your posts that you're strong and sensible. You can rise above. Don't be bitter. Try to be kind. Always do the right thing. Don't be hurtful, but focus fully on you. Be the better person as you'll feel good about yourself when things settle down.
I hope your IC goes well today. Stay strong and focused. I'll check in again if it's at all helpful.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
