Thanks, GWN. Yes, there is likely guilt and shame, associated with me. Things he has done to me or still doing to me. Things that he did that he was perfectly comfortable with and living seemingly guilt free (eg. lying to me) until I found out and got angry and hurt. So his guilt and shame is directly related to me. Beyond that, I don't know if he carries any guilt or shame for anything. He seems very good at forgiving himself. Maybe too good, because then he just does the same thing again.
So what to do about that? I feel like I'm being punished twice for his sin. Do I just tell him it's fine, no problem, lying is no big deal, in order to alleviate his guilt?
Quote:
I suggest you watch and see whether he is able or willing to TRULY share on an emotional level.
Under what circumstances? Life in general, he's not (ie. this weekend's trip.)
asking if this "intimate" conversation was all there was, if my expectations are too high. If they are, then that's an area I need to work on.
.....
I'm trying to evaluate my expectations, against what HE says is intimacy. Any thoughts on that?
I will put it this way:
Expectations...? Have none.
Yes... this is an area you can work on.
No one can predict the future. That is what expectations are.
There is a phrase that we use around here and it is not easy, it's called "beginner's mind".
With beginner's mind, we fight the very human nature in all of us which is to attempt to guess the results of a personal experience, at any given moment.
Evolution is beginner's mind. It's AT BEST, a BEST GUESS at a future result... a hope... organisms live and die on best guesses...
Dinosaurs... worked for a while... but no way to know the end results...
Mammals... we've done pretty good, so far... but we don't know that we will continue as a species... just a best guess that's worked, so far...
Could you have had that same conversation with your H... and NOT had any expectations?
I can have no expectations. Then how do I desire something? If I can't expect the service and food at a restaurant to be good, I don't know how to desire to visit the restaurant. Expectations are what fuels our desire, I believe.
I'm a rational person. I don't know how to be anything else. I do things for a reason, at least usually. If there isn't a reason, then it's just automatic and I'm not needing to "choose" to do it or force myself.
My frustration in this process lies in almost never being able to get an answer to a direct question. (Thanks, GWN, for answering my questions about intimacy. It has been one of the few.)
Yes, KD, I have volunteered at a homeless shelter. Notice, I answered your question, without analysis, without condemnation for your motive. Simply answered it, then you can do with it whatever you want. I would like the same is all.
you are so complictated. you twist and turn things and beat them to death and they still comes out the same: you are unhappy and nobody can you happy but you.
sorry, i just get so tire of your intellectual whining.
direct enough?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
It seems I do best in actualizing what everyone is saying when I'm not trying to have a R with my H, when I'm just living for me. The only time I really got any real support for my position was when I stated the following: - I'm going to be happy. Not because of H, but in spite of H. - I'm going to be happy, and I'm not going to let H be responsible for that in any way. - My personal happiness can't be dependent upon a healthy M, so I need to spend my time/energy on me instead of our M.
It is so easy for me to be happy when I'm not trying to work on our M. Yes, there is a background throb of pain that my M is so cr@ppy, but that exists sporatically for a lot of things (ie. the neighbor couple that just died, one week apart, 53 years together; what a wonderful love story!) It's just the bittersweet part of life. I don't need my M to be happy. I just need to distance myself from it again so that it/H isn't prodding me.
Last night I moved back in to the other BR. I slept great! I'm happy that I slept great. I like the other BR. I'm going to stay there because I want to, and not move back in because H wants me to.
I'm going to adjust my search for a counselor to be one that helps me to cope with the things that frustrate me. I don't intend to have H join me.
I start school again next week. S is off school and I plan on doing something with him everyday. H will be at work so it doesn't even need to involve him and he can't complain. I'm so looking forward to summer!
