When it's a one-way street...part 5

[greatwhitenorth]

Hi CV

Everything he did share on an emotional level was before we got M'd, and all that has proven to be not true.

Just wanted to chime in and say I'm in a similar place with regard to the intimacy in our marriage (he admits to hiding from me) and H's relationship with his D (she has relegated him to uncle, and her step father is her dad; she feels he resents her).

I think it comes down to trust. I believe H wanted to trust me, but he didn't know how. He carries a lot of shame, which I believe comes from his family of origin (dominant mother, *ineffectual* father). Until he can trust me, or anybody for that matter, no relationship is possible. Question is, how to get that trust, how to establish a safe place (in recognition of the fact that we can't control their feelings of safety)?

Do you feel your husband trusts you? Are there any issues with shame? How about guilt? What was his parents' relationship like?

In terms of evaluating your expectations....your intimacy needs must be met by your partner. You cannot dial them back...they are needs, not wants.

I suggest you watch and see whether he is able or willing to TRULY share on an emotional level. The decision making process with regards to his job is not intimacy, regardless of whether he thinks it is. It's superficial information.

To be intimate is to share your true self openly and honestly without hiding or witholding...your hopes, fears, passions, sorrows, etc. It involves a deep level of trust and requires making oneself vulnerable. It is not the same as being subsumed by the other; nor is it codependency. IMHO, until a spouse can be truly intimate s/he is not fully present and will always have one foot out the door.

This doesn't mean I don't empathize. It is incredibly, unbelievably hard for some people to open up, especially if there are negative emotions like guilt and shame percolating at the core. Some people just aren't capapable of letting anybody in, want to though they may. Others need to learn how, but it's a long, long road.