Wife wants out ASAP. Urgent help needed

[adinva]

(((nb1712))) sorry you have to deal with this. I would say a couple of things. First recognize that the bomb and the selfish behavior etc probably come from a state of mind that has developed for a long time of resentment that she may not have been communicating to you. A lot of people here have spouses doing weird things because they are in extreme pain and the harm they cause their families seems necessary because it's the only way they know how to stop the pain. So I'm looking for insight into what her pain stems from and thus the hard look at controlling behavior and the one-down attitude toward being a stay at home mom. Sometimes this is how the person perceived your intentions even if they weren't your intentions. So, understand you're in crisis and if you want to give this the best chance possible, you've got to stop judging her behavior as selfish or whatever. Try to communicate what the impact is: W, I can't make plans if you don't tell me when you're coming home. Will you agree to let me know when you're staying out later like this weekend? or W I'm glad you're getting time off with your sis but I feel like I'd like a break sometimes too. Let's plan a weekend that you're on so I can go see some friends. (Just grasping at straws to get this started...)

What I'd try doing is letting her know how her actions impact you, trying to get agreement in a way that you hear her side and work out a solution rather than you trying to control her.

My counselor at the beginning showed me that my H had some legitimate complaints about me, when I thought I was a perfect victim. I read Dance of Anger and learned how very complicated all the steps were that got us where we were, and why it seemed so impossible to wipe the slate clean and get better. There was so much resentment built up on both sides. I read books on communication that helped me figure out that H was communicating resentment nonverbally even when his words suggested he was fine. I listened to tapes on boundaries to learn not to react emotionally to what H said, and to hear him better and not be mad that his thoughts and feelings were different from what I thought they should be.

My H has little to no interest in working on the relationship or saving it, but if he did I think we'd have really good chances to be happier together.

What the DR book and the 37 rules etc will do for you in the beginning is to help you shake things up and catch her attention in a way that makes you look good, not bad. The hoped for result would be that the combination of showing you in a new light while giving her the space and time to figure out her own head will result in her deciding she wants to commit to the marriage and your family together. Then, you're in piecing and the real work begins. You're far from that so have little expectation of her behavior being what you want. Start with a beginner's mind and see how you came across to her, and what you can do differently for the rest of your life to be a better partner.

Maybe there's a GAL that you can do at home with the kids - play an instrument? Build something? Or take them with you and get out to local parks or go biking with them in a trailer. Or plan a short term gal that involves her staying with the kids and you going out - check out meetup.com or look for a concert or something. Meet new people. Get back your non-dad, non-provider side.