i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[BFloat]

had our RV session on conflict resolution today. it was good. but i'm ready..

i've had a lot of little moments these past couple of weeks. looking back.. i see the changes.. the timeline.. it wasn't what i had thought.

although the bomb was dropped almost 8 months ago, in truth.. i have battling with things within my marriage for over 2 years. that was when i found out about the PA.. and subsequent EAs. at that time, we had committed to working on our marriage and attending MC. things seemed better.. but i believe a lot was never fully resolved.

i really struggled w/ trust. and although H at first made an effort to regain my trust.. it slowly faded where he retreated to doing his own thing again. the weight gain.. the low self worth.. and even when he hugged me.. kissed me.. or when we ML.. i felt myself retreating because i wondered if he was comparing me to someone else.

this last time with the bomb drop.. i felt utterly devastated and truly it has been the most difficult and lowest point in my life thus far. heartbroken.. dejected.. completely miserable and lost.. but through that.. i set out on a journey to find myself again. where and when was the vibrant, independent woman lost? how did i become a shadow of who i was?

this morning, after work, i was walking to my car and thinking to myself.. i am a 37 year old woman. i am a working professional raising 2 beautiful kids. i have friends and family who love me. i love who i have rediscovered. i am a caring, compassionate individual who truly feels no remorse for the choices i made in trying to save my marriage. i committed to the best of my abilities to fight for what i believed in and still believe in.

i harbour no ill will towards H. i love him. he is a good person. he needs to find himself.. and i love him enough.. and myself enough.. to wish him the very best.

i didn't know where this journey would lead me. i know i didn't think it would lead me here. but this is where i am.

several weeks ago, i went out for coffee with a guy friend. he is someone i was very close to many years ago. he is someone my mom thought i should have married. when we were sitting at coffee, i looked at him and thought.. you are cute. and you are a sweet and kind person.. you always have been. i just never saw it. ok.. before anyone starts going on about my need for validation etc.. no. i do not feel anything for him. i just recognized that the world is full of great men and women if are able to just look at them.. truly look at them.

i focus on the male relationships i have on the db boards because it is something different from when i felt M. i go for coffee w/ my girlfriends all the time. but when i speak about the male companionship.. it is merely because it is something different from how things have been.

i am not closing my heart off to H. like i said, i do love him. we are intricately entwined by the kids and 12 years of being together. but i am moving forward.. and not feeling guilty for moving away from him. i want him to be happy. i want to be happy too.