New to DB

[bustingout]

I can't emphasise enough how much love and comfort I feel withvyou all on this site.

Jks, 25, ukva thank you for your advise and comments. You have given me a lot to think and reflect upon. 25 I need to reread whatcyou wrote a couple of times to really absorb before I respond. Ukva...u are right, I have been dark for two weeks and I am starting to panic and backslide.

I have been on this roller coaster since December 2009. And up until I found this site earlier this month i was doing everything wrong.

I entered my M with a lot of baggage from my own parent's horrible M and subsequent D. I didn't realise I had this baggae but it crept out of the years.

I was insecure, doubted his love, wanted to control everything and thought in was RIGHT. In my head I wanted security and love. To know I wouldn't be left alone again by the man in my life. I had no idea how it was being perceived by H.

Also, I was so emotional. With my fear guiding me I was ANGRY a lot. Resentful.

After the birth of my second child I went into a depression. I blamed him for my unhappiness. I withdrew. Warded off any of his advances whether they be to go out to dinner or have sex. I was fat from the pregnancy, didn't feel attractive.

We moved into a rental house as we began to build our 'dream house'. H began working out of town and in was home alone a lot with the two kids.

In the meantime, My H's father remarried after 20 plus years of being a widower. I never even considered if this had an impact on my H.

I thought things were not great between us but thought it was all fixable.

My H was unhappy and I didn't know it.

He sought a friendship outside our M that I guess made him feel better.

I tried to accept that even though I was jealous.

Then the ride really started. From one month to the next he moved out of the bedroom

and started saying he needs space. I held on for dear life. This was less than a month after we moved Into our ' dream house'.

But it did force me to wake up. And after a few months of in house separation I started to see my role in this. I actually hated what I had become. This needy clingy, fearful angry person with obvious self esteem issues. this was now May 2010

It wasn't until after the summer (his father became very ill at the time AND on top of that we spent very little time together and the time we were together he was cold, angry and even downright mean sometimes) that i really started to try and learn more about myself and marriages in general. ( first read was men are from mars...)

then he started to become secretive and spending most nights away from home often till 3 or 4 am. two weeks into the school year and his father got extremely sick.

H took his father to Germany for treatment. subsequently he did not recover and my father in law passed. This was now September. We went for funeral in Germany. H even more distant now.

Me and kids come back to Sudan, H stays on in Germany and basically no contact. After about a month he calls and says he is coming home but not going to live with us anymore.

I was starting to learn that I need just accept what he needed at the time so I just replied with an ok. No fight. No questions.

He comes back and rumors of OW Run rampant. I find out he was actually living with her before he found a rental place. He swears just friends, but actually EA had started.

In meantime I keep open door policy to him because of kids and because I wanted my H back. He continues to deny EA with OW and I say ok i will believe you because you are my H and I trust you. I wanted him to know I had faith in him .

So this continues until July 2011. He comes every day for dinner and bedtime and leaves. Sometimes he would stay longer and chat. Sometimes we laughed. Sometimes it was like nothing changed between us. But he would be hot and cold. Detached then engaged.

Only now i realise it was because OW there the whole time.

And while I continued ( and still continue) to try and work on myself I actually spiralled more into depression ( got on anti depressants and that really helped) AND I continued to talk about the R..what can we do to fix this? Not really listening to him or accepting that he needs space.

July 2011 I actually see the text messages between him and her. She asking why he can't ask me for a D. Him apologising to her for all the pain he caused her ( what about my pain??? What about our kids' pain?!)

He admits EA. Apologises because he has to, but says he doesn't want me or the M. He wants to be with his kids but he can't live with me anymore. he said E A was over. But guess what??? It wasn't! ( oh the layers of lies!)

So I tried until now to figure out why he can't live with me. I was prepared to do anything to get him back home. I felt like such a failure to my kids that I pushed my kids' father out of the house. That I had treated him so badly that he was giving up on me. That in was not worth it. There was nothing worthy in me for him to find a reason to try and keep the family together.

He tried and force me to give up any hope. I told him he can't take that away from me. He said he wished I would just give up.

Anyway, he went back to work out of town and has been gone off and on for four months, but for the last 6 weeks straight. OW has been there the whole time.

He sent me an email about a month ago saying he was Done.

I said fine just leave me alone for now. Do what you want. I will consider us separated.

Just leave me alone for awhile. ( i was emotionally at empty).

Had very little contact. Some stuff about summer plans and the kids. Also that I had decided to stay in Sudan and not leave so that I wouldn't separate the kids from him. He was very pleased with that.

Then two weeks ago another email telling me that EA is now PA with the same OW that has been in the story since it all began.

So my very long story. My apologies. Once i started I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.

I have been dark since that last email. ( except for my response to his text that i mentioned a previous post)I realise this has to happen. I tried to control it for so long. It has to happen. And if and only if it runs it's course and we can finally finish with this OW, then we may actually have a chance at tending to the real issues within our M. The real issues going on with him. And the real issues going on with me.

But no expectations. Its about me now. About my kids. About the life I really want. One without fear. Without anger. Without resentment. One where love is my guide and forgiveness becomes a strength. Patience.

My relationship with DB is all that matters right now for me, my kids, and even my H.

thank you all. I know you know what's in my heart.

Much love and sweet dreams to all.

Busting x

I apologise again for this way too long post.