(REPOSTING since it got lost above haha...if anyone wants to comment from an LBS perspec I'd appreciate it.)
I started rereading therabbithole's threads because her sitch was so similar to mine. And reading the bit where he'd told her he was in love with the GF and she was questioning why she was hanging on and holding out hope and someone suggested PRIDE is what stops us.
It's so so true. My pride tells me I shouldn't hold out hope. My pride says you can get someone "better" My pride says you don't want to have to tell everyone that you broke up with him and now you're back together. His pride says he can't just stop this R it's unfair, his pride says he can never get over me sleeping with someone, especially someone I work with, someone my friends all know, his pride says my family thinks x, y, and z.
I read this convo her H had with her and I started crying...not sad for myself cry more like look at us...
Quote: he can't even look me in the eye or look at me without remembering the arguments, the sadness, the way he felt unsuccessful, not smart, and that he couldn't do anything right. He said he can't imagine me coming home from work, sitting on the couch, and us NOT arguing about something.
this is almost word for word what he said to me on Tuesday.
Quote: He said that he constantly felt like I was controlling, that he couldn't do anything right, and that even when he got what he wanted he felt guilty for having it. I said "I can imagine that you did. I didn't treat you very well, and at every pass I was criticizing you, and trying to prove a point. I was so guilty of not listening to you and I imagine that you felt like you had to ask for my permission to do anything." He said nothing at first.
This easily could have been a convo with us. Instead I told him that I didn't want to be selfish, I didn't want to be controlling that I did all that because I was so scared of being taken advantage of and thought I needed to protect myself. I told him that story about how I now know I didn't listen to him and his needs.
I guess re-reading this...made me feel that we aren't so far gone as I thought. Or once again we aren't so uncommon. I don't know if he will ever trust me to not leave, or if he'll ever forgive me for leaving him, treating him with contempt, or dating after we split. And I'm not sure how much of that is under my control or what actions I can take to show him that. I feel like the best way to do this is what I posted above....making changes for me while no one is looking. Not dating casually, not getting trashed and doing things I regret, working on loving myself, healing my feelings of unworthiness.
In my very first post I'd asked about what I could to show him and everyone said...just detach stop pursuing. It's taken awhile but it's getting thru my thick skull. 3 days no contact.
