Journal king so many thoughts running through my head. It's still very new in a way that he moved out 2.5 months ago and before that we spent so time together talked and shared so much. And now it's still a big adjustment. I don't agree or think he'll be happy in this new R but it's none of my business. The easier route is to get angry and stay angry. Then you turn off the pain with resentment and bitterness and think who needs him?
I don't even know if we'd work out if we got back together. I only wanted the chance to try. I feel like he's made sure of that by drawing the line in the sand and moving on. That's why he said this was so unfair. Because he didn't want to have to consider his unresolved feelings.
Some of my friends and family think I've dodged a bullet. Of course my self esteem issues mean they see my stock as being higher than I do. And that's little comfort when you're sitting with pain and hurt and fear that this is all your M will be. That it really is over.
Part of me wants to move. But running and having fresh starts when I'm unhappy is a pattern. As is party girl mode. Finding the next big thing etc
I know that when I am sad I see things in black and white I either see all the jury and pain and get angry or I think of only the good times and get sad. I miss his friendship when he was kind to me.
LaBug put up a great insight about filling in the spaces and I did that for so long. I was never happy about a lot of things but I glossed over made excuses because he loved me and I didn't think I was worthy of better love. I told him about some of these when we split. I filled in a lot of spaces on the money issue because we had all these things happen or whatever but he was always going to be happy being in debt. And having a lifestyle was more important to him than being independent.
