New to DB

[bustingout]

Received a text from H ( first contact in two weeks) saying

'Hi, are the kids around so I can speak to them?'

So i dialled and gave the phone to my son, but then got a message that the phone was off.

So I sent a text back saying 'sure'

And then nothing. He didn't call. And I didn't try again.

Could be a network problem ( we have them a lot in this part of the world). But, and am not trying to read into anything, but it is a fact. Today is our anniversary.

[bustingout]

Well nothing new to say. After that text he didn't call the kids. Don't know what it means

At times I feel like this really is the only path left...the DB way. It certainly is something I never did try.

But I also get scared that maybe its just all too late. That any window there may have been is gone gone gone.

So much has transpired. So many lies and half truths.

I feel like I have been doing this for almost two years, been in this holding pattern. But it feels different now. Because I went through the heartache and pain. So I am not new to that anymore. Am not new to being on my own. I am new to DB. Does it matter? Does it matter to H?

[bustingout]

And because I have not been in contact with him, I am a little scared of what will happen when I do see/talk to him next.

Another bomb? The same attitude of contempt and disregard? The forced happiness and friendliness? The satisfaction of him being 'happy' now that he is OW???

Argh....

[bustingout]

And one last thing for now.

I am still in the process of recognising my role in the demise of the M. And I know I still have a long way to go. But I can't even imagine that H would care again.

And now that I have been dark for two weeks, with no contact from H as well...does it even matter?

I want this M to work for my family to be intact again. But I don't want to go back to the way it was either. At least that's one thing H and I agree on....

[bustingout]

Ok one last thing fir now, I asked in an earlier post if I should send some cute pics/ videos of the kids to H with just a simple ' cute thing S did today'

But wonder if this will be looked at as more pressure or more guilt for the guilt he already feels for being so far from the kids for so long.

[jks]

I wouldn't do it. The only thing it will do is give you expectations and if he doesn't live up to those expectations then you'll just end up feeling worse.

For instance, if you send it and he doesn't respond, you'll be disappointed. If you send it and he responds but stays short with you, you'll be disappointed. If you send it and he has a full on conversation with you, you'll start to get your hopes up and then soon after will feel disappointed once you stop hearing from him again.

I read the most inspiring thread last night, it really puts in to perspective what this DB'ing is all about. Here's the thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1695484&page=1

[25yearsmlc]

Ok one last thing fir now, I asked in an earlier post if I should send some cute pics/ videos of the kids to H with just a simple ' cute thing S did today'

But wonder if this will be looked at as more pressure or more guilt for the guilt he already feels for being so far from the kids for so long.

First on the phone issue-dont' change his mode of communication. IF he texts you then you text back. Don't increase his "risk" of direct contact b/c he's not ready for it and he got scared off...

also, unless you fear an emergency, do NOT answer his texts so fast. Take your time.

Remember, you are super busy GAL - even if you have to fake it for now.

Normally I'd advise to go ahead and let him see the pics and the achievements of the kids to help keep him feeling connected to the kids BUT in a way that makes it clear you are only doing it for THEIR R's...not to pursue.

If you CAN do that, I say go for it. But it's not easy. You must word it casually and without ANY expectation.

I think It's easier to do, believe it or not, in person. So if & when you do see him I"d act as if you assume HE IS interested in how THEY are doing.

So you tell him and you give him something to miss. NO GUILTING b/c it will backfire. So if the kids have been crying for him, LET THEM TELL HIm in their own way. It can't come from you although

IF HE ASKS, you can say "of course they miss you, you're their father and they love you".

Even if it SHOULD make him feel guilty to be gone, don't bother being the one to send that arrow his way. Remember, to HIM, you are why he is not with his children...

to HIM,, you are the problem and from what you say, there's a bit of truth to that. So, what to do?

Show change in you.

Here is an option you may consider but I'm not suggesting it. I'm tossing it out for you to ponder and invite feedback from others.

This has been going on for 2 years now, right? Then something very different must be done to get his attention.

In a good way...

You must ACT different. The opposite of how you were acting.

Be unpredictable in a good happier surprising way. Be UPBEAT...looking forward to a happier future (which is, in reality, more likely NOW that you are working on you)

How about thanking him (not over the top, but clearly and specifically)

for helping you to change your views and for his being a catalyst for you to become the woman you always wanted to become....

(a woman only a fool would leave--) He woke you up.

Then continue on as if you two are simply coparents and are collaborating on how to raise the kids best...cooperatively and genuinely

(remember that one goal of this is to build on communications with him that are NOT tension filled...so stay calm and matter of fact without R talk)

when he sees that the changes in you are REAL and LASTING and when he begins to allow himself to miss the kids and

can no longer blame you for keeping them away or brain washing them....

he'll second guess his choice. How can he not?


Even if OW is perfect, which she is not, she's still not the mother of his only children.

But you must convey this gratitude & insight to him as if you simply wanted to let him know you get it, it's over - but you are grateful for the kids and for the kick in the pants

b/c you see now that you had let your normal happier REAL SELF down...and you were not as happy as you are now becoming.

Be clear you are moving on and ahead and without saying it, that you are more or less accepting of his decision, however tragic for the children it may be...and however much a loss HE will feel later on....(NO expectations of him interrupting to correct you or to argue....state it without waiting for a reply. Maybe end the conversation right after you make the declaration or at the end of other contact)

So you are NOT challenging his choices...but have resigned yourself to them

with the inner contentment of someone who has seen bad times, but knows she is a changed woman, a stronger woman and she will get thru these tough times and be happy, loving and loved, again....

Does this make sense?

((( )))

[UKVA]

Yes it matters, a whole lot. Really, get yourself to the point where you and others around you see the changes, and if he can't, more fool him. This is about you, making your world a better place for you, the kids and friends. Don't back slide because you are worried he might not notice. You can't control that. Have strength, we are all pulling for you.

[bustingout]

I can't emphasise enough how much love and comfort I feel withvyou all on this site.

Jks, 25, ukva thank you for your advise and comments. You have given me a lot to think and reflect upon. 25 I need to reread whatcyou wrote a couple of times to really absorb before I respond. Ukva...u are right, I have been dark for two weeks and I am starting to panic and backslide.

I have been on this roller coaster since December 2009. And up until I found this site earlier this month i was doing everything wrong.

I entered my M with a lot of baggage from my own parent's horrible M and subsequent D. I didn't realise I had this baggae but it crept out of the years.

I was insecure, doubted his love, wanted to control everything and thought in was RIGHT. In my head I wanted security and love. To know I wouldn't be left alone again by the man in my life. I had no idea how it was being perceived by H.

Also, I was so emotional. With my fear guiding me I was ANGRY a lot. Resentful.

After the birth of my second child I went into a depression. I blamed him for my unhappiness. I withdrew. Warded off any of his advances whether they be to go out to dinner or have sex. I was fat from the pregnancy, didn't feel attractive.

We moved into a rental house as we began to build our 'dream house'. H began working out of town and in was home alone a lot with the two kids.

In the meantime, My H's father remarried after 20 plus years of being a widower. I never even considered if this had an impact on my H.

I thought things were not great between us but thought it was all fixable.

My H was unhappy and I didn't know it.

He sought a friendship outside our M that I guess made him feel better.

I tried to accept that even though I was jealous.

Then the ride really started. From one month to the next he moved out of the bedroom

and started saying he needs space. I held on for dear life. This was less than a month after we moved Into our ' dream house'.

But it did force me to wake up. And after a few months of in house separation I started to see my role in this. I actually hated what I had become. This needy clingy, fearful angry person with obvious self esteem issues. this was now May 2010

It wasn't until after the summer (his father became very ill at the time AND on top of that we spent very little time together and the time we were together he was cold, angry and even downright mean sometimes) that i really started to try and learn more about myself and marriages in general. ( first read was men are from mars...)

then he started to become secretive and spending most nights away from home often till 3 or 4 am. two weeks into the school year and his father got extremely sick.

H took his father to Germany for treatment. subsequently he did not recover and my father in law passed. This was now September. We went for funeral in Germany. H even more distant now.

Me and kids come back to Sudan, H stays on in Germany and basically no contact. After about a month he calls and says he is coming home but not going to live with us anymore.

I was starting to learn that I need just accept what he needed at the time so I just replied with an ok. No fight. No questions.

He comes back and rumors of OW Run rampant. I find out he was actually living with her before he found a rental place. He swears just friends, but actually EA had started.

In meantime I keep open door policy to him because of kids and because I wanted my H back. He continues to deny EA with OW and I say ok i will believe you because you are my H and I trust you. I wanted him to know I had faith in him .

So this continues until July 2011. He comes every day for dinner and bedtime and leaves. Sometimes he would stay longer and chat. Sometimes we laughed. Sometimes it was like nothing changed between us. But he would be hot and cold. Detached then engaged.

Only now i realise it was because OW there the whole time.

And while I continued ( and still continue) to try and work on myself I actually spiralled more into depression ( got on anti depressants and that really helped) AND I continued to talk about the R..what can we do to fix this? Not really listening to him or accepting that he needs space.

July 2011 I actually see the text messages between him and her. She asking why he can't ask me for a D. Him apologising to her for all the pain he caused her ( what about my pain??? What about our kids' pain?!)

He admits EA. Apologises because he has to, but says he doesn't want me or the M. He wants to be with his kids but he can't live with me anymore. he said E A was over. But guess what??? It wasn't! ( oh the layers of lies!)

So I tried until now to figure out why he can't live with me. I was prepared to do anything to get him back home. I felt like such a failure to my kids that I pushed my kids' father out of the house. That I had treated him so badly that he was giving up on me. That in was not worth it. There was nothing worthy in me for him to find a reason to try and keep the family together.

He tried and force me to give up any hope. I told him he can't take that away from me. He said he wished I would just give up.

Anyway, he went back to work out of town and has been gone off and on for four months, but for the last 6 weeks straight. OW has been there the whole time.

He sent me an email about a month ago saying he was Done.

I said fine just leave me alone for now. Do what you want. I will consider us separated.

Just leave me alone for awhile. ( i was emotionally at empty).

Had very little contact. Some stuff about summer plans and the kids. Also that I had decided to stay in Sudan and not leave so that I wouldn't separate the kids from him. He was very pleased with that.

Then two weeks ago another email telling me that EA is now PA with the same OW that has been in the story since it all began.

So my very long story. My apologies. Once i started I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.

I have been dark since that last email. ( except for my response to his text that i mentioned a previous post)I realise this has to happen. I tried to control it for so long. It has to happen. And if and only if it runs it's course and we can finally finish with this OW, then we may actually have a chance at tending to the real issues within our M. The real issues going on with him. And the real issues going on with me.

But no expectations. Its about me now. About my kids. About the life I really want. One without fear. Without anger. Without resentment. One where love is my guide and forgiveness becomes a strength. Patience.

My relationship with DB is all that matters right now for me, my kids, and even my H.

thank you all. I know you know what's in my heart.

Much love and sweet dreams to all.

Busting x

I apologise again for this way too long post.

[adinva]

(((bustingout)))