Wife wants out ASAP. Urgent help needed

[adinva]

Hi nb1712 - So sorry that you're in this, and also that you posted for so long without getting responses. Not sure how, unless moderation kept your posts from appearing for a while. Your first posts were impressive. You seem to have a good sense of what to do, and you're doing a great job with acting as if, and keeping yourself positive around her. I loved the response you gave when she asked if you were going to move.

I think one of the hardest things to accept is how far gone the marriage is when someone lands here. That's why newcomers are told to focus on themselves, get a life, meet new people. Put your efforts where you can control things - improve yourself and you will feel powerful rather than a victim.

Because of your small kids I think you should get legal advice asap and track the time you are the primary caregiver. She probably assumes she can leave you and take the kids, so you need to find out what your rights are and how you can protect your kids. Legal advice will also help you understand better what you are dealing with. You don't need to tell her you're getting legal help, and you don't need to take any action, but get information.

I see you talking mostly about her. The more you post the more insight people might have into your situation to help steer you too asking yourself the right questions. There was one post where you talked more about you, and I thought your word choices might give a place to start:

The thing I am struggling the most with is knowing how to change. I have worked hard to be a good father, provider and I feel I have accomplished this and gotten better over time.

What are you to her other than a father to her child and a provider to the family? What were you to her? What did she see in you and you in her, and did that change over time? How did you express love to each other and how did you resolve conflict? What kind of a husband were you to her? Did having the responsibilities of parenthood and supporting a family suck the life out of your personality and relationship?

Clearly I have not been the best husband but I dont know why. Can you be too soft?

Dig a little deeper. Were you there for her, in the way she needed you to be? Can you really not come up with more of your responsibility in what happened than the possibility that you were too soft? What does soft mean? Some men think they're being nice by withholding their opinions when what they're doing is being passive aggressive, or just passive, or destroying intimacy. Something to think about.

I have let her have more freedom in the last 6-12 months to pursue her interests as I felt this was reasonable after being nothing but a mum for 5 years.

Wow. I could have put this one first as it was where I started to really feel reactive about your choice of words. You "let" her have more freedom - sounds like you are controlling, perhaps see yourself as the master of the family, are somehow doing her a favor by letting her meet her needs. There's probably more backstory here that will make you appear more reasonable but having only this to go on suggests there were problems in your marriage related to the balance of power. She has shifted the power and it probably feels good to her right now.

OK, "nothing but a mum" also popped out at me, as a mom myself. That sounds really demeaning. Did you respect her mothering? Did you notice all the physical work and emotional challenges of being a mom? Did you appreciate them, help with them, give them the respect equal to what you would give a wage-earning job? Mothering is hard and thankless work. Did she get breaks? Did she express herself about the difficulties and how motherhood affected her? A lot of women have a much lower sex drive when the demands of being a mom come front and center. Talk more about "nothing but a mum" - maybe there's some work you can do here. Try to resist the impulse to be defensive and argue back about how actually you really were blameless. Look hard, and harder, at any potential blame you can take on, because that is your key - it is what you have the power to claim and change, and hopefully catch her notice.

I have always tried to be affectinate and tell her how beautiful she looks etc whereas she ahs never really initiated affection or sex in very long time. But thsi was normal for us because she had weird ideas that if she "seduced me" that makes her a whore even though I am her husband.

It sounds like words and physical touch aren't her love languages - do you know about the 5 Love Languages theory & book? It's about figuring out what really shows love to your spouse, in their 'language'. When you begin to fill up their 'love tank' they feel loved. It would be good to put this on your reading list. Consistent with DB principles, it's about trying things and noticing the results. The seduction/whore comment is kind of a standout in your post. She may have unresolved issues about sex that went unnoticed in the marriage. She may need counseling to overcome them and have a fulfilling sex life. Recognize that for now you're the only one who can do any work because you're the only one who wants to save the marriage. Expect nothing from her at this point, just figure out what went wrong with you and work on that.

I have thought back to who I was when we first dated and that person is still me but now I am also a father and provider.

Tell us more about who that was/is then. What are your attractive qualities? What will make you an amazing partner to whoever you're in a relationship with next, whether it be your W or someone else?

Hopefully you will start to get some help from the wiser veterans around here but I may have given you some ideas to start digging into. I hope you'll read other posts and comment to them while you wait for responses to your own. That's half the value of being active here: the support of a community and the ability to practice implementing the things you're working on.