Wife says it's to far gone

[shockeddad]

Well getting ready to go up north with my boys and family. W is not going. Maybe a good thing, gives us more space. I think things maybe starting to hit her. Her brother that she lives with told her since she wants to make this perment, then she needs to find a place to live. Guess she freaked out and cried. he told her she has till September. Think things are going to start not looking greener on the other side. I'm just giving her space and GAL. Days are getting better, but I have my moments. Miss her and want her back, but it has to be her choice. Just hope she don't wait to long and it be to late. Hard to set something free when you love it so much, but if ment to be, it will come back.

[25yearsmlc]

My Goals:

1. Work on giving her space and time. Detach

this^^ is great. Read up on detachment Shocked. I'll post a little piece on it later here. Take it in...

2. Only talk to her about the kids and let her start any conversation.

yes...and be the first to end the conversations too. Politiely Get off the phone first, have to "go somewhere, things to do, places to see, people to meet", etc

3. In happy mood, tell her Hi and Bye when I see her, even say have a good week, day, night, what ever.

4. Wash the haouse and work on the yard to stay busy.

5. See if the church has support group and try to get more envalved with my church.
6. Call friends to do more things.

Join something. Meet NEW people.
Join A club (a writer's club, or a bowling club, just something YOU like or were always interested in),

do some volunteer work w/a group, audition for a community theater project or play, take up a hobby or take a class for college

but meet NEW people who don't remind you of your situation and
maybe help your career AND OR your attitude (b/c we want you to have a "PMA" which is a Positive Mental Attitude)=GAL

7. Be the best dad I can and make my kids happy and want to see me.

how about just "Be the best dad I can" (and let the rest happen? No forced results or expectations of them or their reactions to you.

This will take more time than you think it should.)

8. Make new friends

^^YES!!!

9. Relaxe more. maybe yoga.
10. Let her make all moves

meaning she must take the initiative? Be ready to REACT appropriately too. and Check yourself on this one. A part of me finds your reactions very passive. Maybe too much so.

Still not clear on how you can be on food stamps if you are working 2+ jobs. You quit one, right? So, Is she not working at all and you are only working one?

How does SHE feel about money and what you earn? How do YOU feel about it?


11. Keep going to counseling by myself.
12. New hobbies
13. Spend more time with other family members

sounds like a great GAL PLAN...keep it up! You may want to give yourself some short term goals. Like "talk to w and be the first one to politely end the conversation, twice..."

OR, calmly discuss a conflict or touchy subject without losing my temper or insulting her.

The more comfortable she feels around you or the more you two can talk without it escalating, the easier it will be to build on it.

You definitely need conflict resolution skills...to show her that things can be better/different between you two.

And be patient. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Make sense?

[shockeddad]

Well, up at her family cabins with the family, except the W. We are having fun, but do miss her. She did talk to her mom and ask how the kids where. She didn't say much when she dropped the kids off Friday. I did tell her to have a good weekend, she said you too. Also did say bye, I tried to be happy and chery the whole time. Times I wonder if all this effort is going to bring her back, but I'm a better person for myself and boys. I sure do love her and miss her.

[25yearsmlc]

did you accomplish any of your short term goals? TRY to note them and pat yourself on the back when you make them.

Do this for a 90 day increment and then, and not before, assess how it's going.

UNLESS it's clear that something you are doing is hurting your m, continue doing the new behaviors long enough so she trusts that you are making REAL change that she can trust.

Remember this simple truth:

she won't come back unless she believes marriage to you can be

better/different, than before.


YOU Must show her it can. By changing YOUR ways.

Make sense?

[shockeddad]

It makes complete sense. I think I have done good on some of my goals. I have not had any contact except for the kids. Been happy mood when I seen her. The last two times we swapped kids, I had to say bye first. I don't know what to think about that. I'm doing good at GAL. She has not filed for D yet. She is talking to a friend that is going threw the same thing, but her friend and husband still live in same house. Don't know if she is still talking to Male friend or not. Would rather her talk to friend going through samething.

[shockeddad]

Nice to hear all the good turns lately with everyone, pray that i can post good news in the future. At my sons t-ball game yesterday, the W was alittle different. I said hi first, but then went and played with our younger son till the game started. Really didn't say anything to her, but could see her keep looking at me and she said a few little things. Her dad was there and going to take the kids because she had to go to work. He said it was cold and maybe he should go home and I could drop the kids off, I said sorry, I have plans after the game. Think that shocked her. Played with our younger son more during the game, laughing and having fun. She left to go to work and gave my son a huge and kiss and started to walk away, I just kept playing. Then she turned around with a smile and said see you saturday. I said okay, have a nice week, she said you too.

[LITB]

shocked,

I noticed you posted on my thread yesterday. I am not caught up on your sitch, but you have some really great members who helped me on my journey posting on your thread.

[shockeddad]

LITB,

Thanks, Need all the help and support I can get.

[heartbrokeinsd]

sounds like you have been playing your cards right. she wants to see you? that is great! obviously something is working. i know it [censored] being where you are emotionally. i am there alot. when i have bad days i try to think of all the things i am grateful for. no matter how small. it was hard at first. now i am seeing that stuff isnt as bad as my mind makes out sometimes.

[shockeddad]

Thanks, I do the same thing. I hope this is working. Every day seems to get better. Still have my moments. I think the no pressure is letting her think and me gal is also making her think. Not for sure, time will tell. A full 2 weeks of no talk about our R or M.