why was it hard for her to be able to make decisions when she was with you? were you critical of her decisions? did the two of you want different things?
that's what it sounds like. she's telling you something. take time to think about how she got to this place.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Some time ago, my XW made some life choices, which caused me great pain and anguish.
But this was not her intent. It was not about me.
She was trying, in a way, to escape her own pain and anguish.
I have to accept that although she knew the consequences to me, it was something she just had to do.
Any damage to me was, for lack of a better term, "collateral damage."
Can you see how a WAS may not be hell bent on inflicting pain on you?
We as LBS'ers have to move "ourselves" forward from the mess for our own good.
God Speed. Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
relief from what??? Having a Husband? having a family?
I know I am bitter, and I know that people say that they did nothing to cause the breakdown of M, but i can honestly say the big reasons for the breakdown of our M came from her end.
I will give you examples...
My W still sleeps with SD. She is almost 5. No bed time for SD. They are up til after I went to bed. W had problem with dual parenting roles. She only wanted me to be a dad when she felt is was necessary. W had problems seperating our family as W and H, with the relationship she has with her family. She is more concerned with what is happening with her family than with us. Even though she said spending time together was important for a M, she would never want to do anything, just the two of us. As many dishes that i did, laundry that was washed and folded, bathrooms scrubed, and so on, I wasn't helping do what she needed. But if I tried to help with the things that "bothered" her, she would get frustrated that nothing else was getting done.. I could go on and on. Bottom line, she thought she wanted to be married, but she found out that she doesn't want someone in her life to that extent. She lied and destroyed another persons life in the process.
I am detaching... in a couple hours, it will be 48 hours of NC. Very hard because all I am thinking about is what she is doing, are they all right, and "when is she going to wake up"
I am sure they are ok and im not blind to realize that she may never see it the same way I do. But it still doesn't make the pain go away!
She didn't have a hard time making decisons. All I wanted with our M was to feel important. That all her decisons weren't only about her, D, her family, and her friends.
One of the reasons I fell in love with her was because we were so much alike. We loved spending time together, wanted the same things, were very family oriented, and were both well aware of where our futures were headed. After she stopped the meds, i feel that depression kicked in and turned her into a different person.. the more this became an issue, the more problems we had.
When the bitterness and anger calms down perhaps you may be able to see things more clearly, have more empathy. There is no point in wanting our M to work if we're saying we don't have to do any of the work, it's all their problems to fix. I'm not saying that she diesn't have things to work on but right now in your pain you can't see the problems you two have objectively.
Work on detaching, keep up the NC these are all things to reduce the torture your mind is putting you through. Take care of yourself. Do things for you. What are you doing to GAL?
I do fully understand I have a lot to work on... And I have changed in the last few months when realizing these things. This situation has changed my life!
I guess my GAL is basically none right now. I still have a hard enough time going to work. After these few months, I still have problems walking out of the house and seeing other people. All I think about is how embarrassed I am that I couldn't make my M work.
I would suggest you read that book codependent no more. Its really helpful. Also when I was at that point (barely able to go to work) IC really helped.
Thanks for the suggestion, I will try to get that ASAP. I have been reading alot lately.
As far as counseling... I am not sure. I know it takes time, but I am struggling each day to just wake up and my W views our whole situation as just a bad R that is no big deal to end. It's almost like she views it as if she was never married or that ending a M is no big deal. Just move on.???
From what you've said, it sounds like she felt torn between you and her D and family. It sounds like you may have asked her (directly or indirectly) to choose between you and them.
Now she can see her family and do whatever she wants with and for her D and not have to feel your anger or disappointment.
It's very, very hard to "blend" families.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Why are you not sure about counseling? What followed that statement sounded like a good case for getting yourself some help dealing with this.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
