New to DB

[25yearsmlc]

Ok one last thing fir now, I asked in an earlier post if I should send some cute pics/ videos of the kids to H with just a simple ' cute thing S did today'

But wonder if this will be looked at as more pressure or more guilt for the guilt he already feels for being so far from the kids for so long.

First on the phone issue-dont' change his mode of communication. IF he texts you then you text back. Don't increase his "risk" of direct contact b/c he's not ready for it and he got scared off...

also, unless you fear an emergency, do NOT answer his texts so fast. Take your time.

Remember, you are super busy GAL - even if you have to fake it for now.

Normally I'd advise to go ahead and let him see the pics and the achievements of the kids to help keep him feeling connected to the kids BUT in a way that makes it clear you are only doing it for THEIR R's...not to pursue.

If you CAN do that, I say go for it. But it's not easy. You must word it casually and without ANY expectation.

I think It's easier to do, believe it or not, in person. So if & when you do see him I"d act as if you assume HE IS interested in how THEY are doing.

So you tell him and you give him something to miss. NO GUILTING b/c it will backfire. So if the kids have been crying for him, LET THEM TELL HIm in their own way. It can't come from you although

IF HE ASKS, you can say "of course they miss you, you're their father and they love you".

Even if it SHOULD make him feel guilty to be gone, don't bother being the one to send that arrow his way. Remember, to HIM, you are why he is not with his children...

to HIM,, you are the problem and from what you say, there's a bit of truth to that. So, what to do?

Show change in you.

Here is an option you may consider but I'm not suggesting it. I'm tossing it out for you to ponder and invite feedback from others.

This has been going on for 2 years now, right? Then something very different must be done to get his attention.

In a good way...

You must ACT different. The opposite of how you were acting.

Be unpredictable in a good happier surprising way. Be UPBEAT...looking forward to a happier future (which is, in reality, more likely NOW that you are working on you)

How about thanking him (not over the top, but clearly and specifically)

for helping you to change your views and for his being a catalyst for you to become the woman you always wanted to become....

(a woman only a fool would leave--) He woke you up.

Then continue on as if you two are simply coparents and are collaborating on how to raise the kids best...cooperatively and genuinely

(remember that one goal of this is to build on communications with him that are NOT tension filled...so stay calm and matter of fact without R talk)

when he sees that the changes in you are REAL and LASTING and when he begins to allow himself to miss the kids and

can no longer blame you for keeping them away or brain washing them....

he'll second guess his choice. How can he not?


Even if OW is perfect, which she is not, she's still not the mother of his only children.

But you must convey this gratitude & insight to him as if you simply wanted to let him know you get it, it's over - but you are grateful for the kids and for the kick in the pants

b/c you see now that you had let your normal happier REAL SELF down...and you were not as happy as you are now becoming.

Be clear you are moving on and ahead and without saying it, that you are more or less accepting of his decision, however tragic for the children it may be...and however much a loss HE will feel later on....(NO expectations of him interrupting to correct you or to argue....state it without waiting for a reply. Maybe end the conversation right after you make the declaration or at the end of other contact)

So you are NOT challenging his choices...but have resigned yourself to them

with the inner contentment of someone who has seen bad times, but knows she is a changed woman, a stronger woman and she will get thru these tough times and be happy, loving and loved, again....

Does this make sense?

((( )))