That's a really good article. I believe that some marriages do need to end in divorce, but so many are ended because one of the spouses is too lazy to do the work that is necessary and thinks that life should be happily ever after without effort.
So much of this last year has felt like having surgery without anesthesia that it's almost comforting to see that someone else out there feels the same way.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
As stressful as it was to wait so long for the feedback, it does appear to be useful. And I think it's a good sign that one of the things that he seems to want you to improve on, is something that you're already aware of and working on. So no matter what, being less reactive will help you with all of your relationships. Maybe H will change his mind and maybe not, but you will come out of this a better, stronger person.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Keeping doing my work, and continue to use this time to practice allowing. Maybe start cultivating a more generous attitude about people's intentions as well
well, YC, you did get your answer, and if i have any inkling of what you might be feeling now - it's probably a mixture of relief, hope and slight disappointment.
focus on the relief and hope and on what you wrote above. it is very very difficult - but you know it can be done.
we are two peas in a pod - that conversation could have been about me. what you are working on is what i am working on - i'm even worse than you are on the reactive scale - our brains are so conditioned, that to not react is like feeling dead!!
so focus on this being very very positive - and allow things to happen. our reactivity is tied in VERY strongly to our defensiveness and ultimately our vulnerabilities. so explore those vulnerable areas within yourself and find out what it is that makes you feel that way and come to understand it and that will lead to less defensiveness, which will lead to less reactiveness.
that's my present theory, anyhow, that i am working on (grin)
Allow, but let go of the outcome.
i see myself doing exactly what you did repeatedly - getting really cooked up and a bit resentful - or a lot and really building things up in my mind - at the slightest trigger - and i'm really working hard to stop doing that and try to see everyone as having good intentions.
when we feel let down or abandoned, instead of looking within ourselves first to find the reasons, we are conditioned to look outwards and that is a hard habit to break. it brings up all our stuff, and till we deal with the stuff we can't let it go.
i'm trying myself to use every opportunity where i have a "reaction" as a gift to dig a little deeper and see what is the next thing i have to work on
sleep, or lack of it adds to the mix - so take care of yourself and find time for a nap or meditate - and remember - even though you heard what you did - no expectations - just let things unfold in their own time and place
when i read your post, i thought - this maybe a good time for YC to read the recipe for success - i've printed it out and read it 2 or 3 times a day - it helps me to stop being so reactive . i am seeing that those qualities that we should cultivate within ourselves don't just apply to our WAS's , but if we could apply them to all the people and situations in our lives, it really is a recipe for living successfully.
take care and focus
(((( ))))
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
What is the recipe for success? I'm not sure I've heard of that.
Thanks for your post here because you are so spot on about changing the habit of reactivity. It's a total self-protective thing. So yeah, thanks for the pointers on how to soften those reactions up. What you say here is EXACTLY what I go through - my mind takes on a life of its own.
Is that one of the reasons your WAS has given you too?
If I get any other pointers on how to deal with reactivity, I'll let you know
And you and sweetbabyred are right: no matter what, I'm going to benefit from this process.
Last night I had a private view of my work, along with my classmate's works as well. It was such a success. Huge success in just about every way.
My H came to the event, and he also enjoyed it very much. This was the first time that he has entered 'my world' and seen me in my element. I was so very comfortable, happy, excited, and looking pretty damn hot (confirmed by my classmates). He stayed until closing - which I didn't think he'd do. After he left, he texted saying how wonderful it all was, and that I seemed really happy and that made him happy. That my work had a lot of depth to it, and he could see I was thriving.
A classmate told me that every time I spoke to another man, he would glare at him. I kind of noticed that he was 'glaring' at one classmate in particular of mine - the friend that I have there who happens to be a really good-looking guy. It was really interesting to watch these two circling each other all evening, until finally in the end, they talked for a bit. I wasn't quite sure who was feeling out who.
I have to say that if this event doesn't turn him around, I can't see at all what will. Honestly.
Wow it sounds like your private exhibition of your work went really well,I'm so happy for you. I think you definitely got your H's attention with how you worked the room.
Quote:
A classmate told me that every time I spoke to another man, he would glare at him. I kind of noticed that he was 'glaring' at one classmate in particular of mine - the friend that I have there who happens to be a really good-looking guy.
^^^^^^ This is amazeballs!!! Nothing like a wake up call. If your H doesn't step up his pursuit after that - he needs therapy!!
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Yeah, it does seem to be the moment that he should seriously reconsider. Maybe he is - I don't know. I just got one joke email from him this morning - and that's it. We'll see. I'll keep you posted.
Ok, I spoke to H's mother today. I know - breaking all the rules and all that - but I don't care at this point. I need info that I am not getting any other way.
So, it was a really good chat. We spoke for 1 1/2 hours and I got a very interesting perspective.
First of all, he told her that things were going back to normal now and that we were back together again. According to her, that was 3 weeks ago.
So, he thinks that having sex only is 'back together'. I don't get that at all. Nor did she. She thought we were at least dating again, or seeing each other regularly. I told her we barely talked. She was definately surprised.
She then said, "Ok, this is what I think the problem is. He can't have children and this is the way he is coping with it. I mean, it's nothing other than that. You've always been moody, always been a little jealous so if that is bothering him now, it's HIM who has changed. You haven't changed, so why now is he finding things that bother him? It has to do with the fact that he cannot have children and he is desperate for children."
She said she told him all this as well. That he talks to her for HOURS upon hours, and she knows how much he loves me, and as far as she knows there is no other woman. That he wouldn't be able to have another relationship anyway because it would mess with his head too much. So, she said, don't worry, I know that he loves you so, so, so much. He thinks you are so beautiful and loving too. Only your temper can get too much for him sometimes. Other than that, it can only be him. And, he is going through a midlife crisis because he can't have children."
"So, I advise you to be patient. How patient can you be? I'm confident that he will realise that you are the one for him, but how long can you wait? This could take years." She thinks he is depressed.
Gosh - I don't know how much longer I can wait. One of the reasons I called his mother was because I am at the end of my tether, and I was looking for something - ANYTHING - to help me go on being patient.
Afterwards, I emailed my H, and asked him to go to dinner. My idea was to communicate that I want more and deserve more now. A wake up call of sorts. It's been 2 years I need to snap him out and myself out of this land of limbo. Anything is better than this!!!
He emailed back saying that we can set a date for dinner , no problem, as soon as he gets back from fishing.
wow - i actually don't know what to say about your conversation with his mom.
[censored] YC - it's timing and allowing, i swear. i just came on here to tell you that i copied and pasted the recipe for success on my thread so you can go get it from there - and after you read it, you'll understand why i'm a bit freaked.
go read it and don't do anything before that - hope you get to before you go out to dinner.
you know the fishing thing, right - if the fish bites and you yank on the line - you'll most probably lose it. you have to work it in gently and with quiet determination, no doubts in your mind - with sole intention (ooh that was a pun)
and that's from someone who's only gone fishing once (ooh there's a GAL idea)
(((( )))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
