I can tell you I had a pretty sleepless night. But, I held onto my reactivity (which is one of the 180's I'm working on continuously).
Finally, this morning, I called my mother. I didn't explode or anything - which is an accomplishment in itself. I was very calm - maybe because I was so tired.
All she said was that she was very busy yesterday and couldn't sit down to chat. I let it go so that we could get on with the 'meat' of the meal.
She said it was a lovely dinner, and nothing she hadn't heard before. Her final conclusion was that she got the feeling that my H does not want a divorce and wants to remain in the relationship, BUT he wants peace as well. He did not say this himself, this 'conclusion' is my mother using her intuition. He did say he can't stand my reactivity and feels he doesn't know what mood I will wake up in, and it leaves him feeling unsettled.
I do understand what he is saying. My parents confirm that I can be abrupt when I am feeling defensive, and said my siblings feel the same way about me. They sometimes feel they are on tenterhooks with me.
Seriously though, it's something I've been working on for a while, and everyone knows it. I feel I have come a hell of a long way with that aspect of myself and my spirituality has been helping me achieve that.
Still, there are times (like yesterday) where I don't hold onto it, and I run rampant in defensiveness and I can be quite abrupt and 'biting' during these times.
Still, I felt hope again, REAL hope from what my mother had to say.
On the positive side, he did say a lot of very complimentary things about me too, and things he greatly admired. He also cried during some of the dinner they said.
So, that's my main work - my reactivity. I'm a strong person, and I'm in the process of redirecting that strength from defensiveness to allowing. Again, my spirituality is helping me with that enormously (as well as your gentle reminders Zig
I then spoke to my sister, and asked her if she felt she was walking on eggshells with me. She said no, but remembers the days when we would argue like cats and dogs. I remember those days well too. It was about 2 years ago that all that stopped with my sister, mainly because she started her spiritual journey, and then so did I.
So, the next step I ask myself?
Keeping doing my work, and continue to use this time to practice allowing. Maybe start cultivating a more generous attitude about people's intentions as well.
I feel - given enough space and time - my H will slowly return. In the meantime, I send him little thoughtful emails, and he sends me the same. I wish him well in his week, and like with this dinner - suggest a restaurant and bid him a good time. It's gonna take time, but there is hope and I am grateful for that.
I feel like all this work I've been doing is amounting to something positive.
Thanks for much for your feedback Zig, and for your reminders and support. And, thank you Bill as well for encouraging me to go with the dinner and to let it happen. You guys are amazing!
Oh, I just want to add this particular view that a friend of mine sent. I am not jewish, my friend is, but I find it very in line with DB:
