As an update my day is going really well. I did some meditation because I was feeling a bit anxious after dreams this morning and wanted to not think about him. I felt much more relaxed after that.

I did some gardening and it's a good feeling of accomplishment doing work that you can see results.

I listened to some music I love that H would have made fun of. Feeling very relaxed. S is out with friends.

I remembered that I felt really centered when I met H because I'd read The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love and started practicing that. I have The Voice of Knowledge by the same author but never read it. So I'm going to start reading that.

I'm getting that Beginner's Mind thing. I was feeling pressure to do things, enjoy life, plan, make lists...and now I feel like I'm understanding the whole in the moment thing.

And if nothing else I know today's "I was proud" will be this morning I took notice of the anxiety and stopped and did something about it.

When I look back at the past 7/8 months and even for part or times of our marriage, I was living with lots of fear and anxiety as a running current underneath. Am I doing the right thing? How do I feel about this? Should I be doing this? I feel guilt or pain but let's shove that aside and move on. I feel like because we're married it means things should be and they aren't something must be wrong but I don't want there to be...I just feel like there was a layer of turmoil underneath. Even when I left, even I was dating, even when I had a change of heart....and today I don't. Yesterday I didn't.

I can honestly say I feel a sense of peace and calm. I notice that things drift in my head like "he won't be happy with her and he'll miss you" or "one day you'll meet someone who will make you so much happier" neither of these are how I want to see the world anymore. People don't make you happy. You can share your happiness with someone and they can share their's with you but no one can make you happy. I don't know if all this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to feel like we all think our lives can't begin or can't be whole without that other person and that's not true.