I never know what my H is thinking or doing. He is generally a secretive man, always hiding something or another, supposedly to "protect" me. So, I never take him at his word. He'll tell me just as much as he thinks will sate my curiosity/questions. He forgets that this is my life too. He is a very sly feral kitty. Just when you think things are going well, he'll pounce on you with claws out. But, still purring, as if nothing is wrong. If that makes any sense. Still, I put the milk bowl out, hoping that he can make the changes needed, before the door is shut and locked. Once I gain my independence, the house sold, and I move out, there will be no going back. He can stay out in the wild then, for all I care. So sad, because I was the one person in his life who had his back. Friends would come and go, but I was always there, his most loyal of all friends.
For now, we are "friends". Once we're divorced, I will move on completely, only having our children and finances to connect us. Oh well. I will have no reason to be loyal anymore.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
... he, however, was not a loyal friend, let alone H. He listened to other friends more than me. He never stuck up for me, when I was always on his side.
Whatever. I can't make him loyal to me.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe I felt like your H and mine are one in the same, M and post bomb. We also had a relationship like how yours is now. The problem with ours is we did decide to try to work on things. Even though I had some big doubts how I could ever trust or let him touch me again, I was gave it a 100%. Again he lied and cheated. I can no longer be friendly with him, and I have fully detached. No more staying at my house etc, no talking, no going out for lunches etc. I wish it didn't have to be this way but I had to stand up for myself. You are smart not to trust H and like mine they don't really know how to be a real friend or H. I wish I (like you( had realizd this before round 2. You come across as a very smart/strong woman. Thank you for sharing.
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
Yeah, we also got together and tried to make it work, but I was doing all the changing, while he just continued being the same passive-aggressive jerk. Then, one day, I decide ... enough ... told him he can sleep in the spare room, and to cut out the robotic "love you" on the phone, or the quick kiss/hug at the airport. And, I demanded he give me my own money twice a month (ostensibly to buy groceries, but I save some of it in a savings account). I have been slowly growing my boundaries, and getting used to him not being there for me, or with me. At this point, I can't imagine him back in my bed.
A male friend of his and mine told me tonight that my H is a good man. Yes, he is, but he's not a good H, I thought to myself. All my friends here think that it's up to me to save the M, but it really isn't. It's up to him, but it's pretty much too late.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Blast not having the edit button .... anyway, I just want to add that I don't think I could ever trust H ever again. I ask myself constantly whether I could have a M that's based on mistrust. I do love him, but is that enough? Not only could I not trust H, but I don't think I could trust anyone again. I know that I can't see into the future, but at this point in time, this is how I feel.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
PS Thanks for your kind remarks canadianMrs ... much appreciated. I don't feel strong or smart most days. I think, like everyone on this journey, I'm winging it, and the feral cat project initiated by Wendy has really got me thinking. We'll see what happens.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe, I don't see things changing, on either side. I think you will stay with him, I'm not putting you down for saying that, I just think that's the way it will be. In saying that, I think you need to spend your energy making the most of the situation instead of harboring the resentment toward him.
The trust thing is really tough, isn't it? For me, though I do not trust implicitly anymore (right now), I do CHOOSE to "accept" W's explanations, even when I am pretty sure she is lying (either fully or via omission, and looking back over the past year...oh, is she good at omission!), and she knows that I am pretty sure she is lying...if that makes any sense...lol.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about whether I will be able to trust again, either W or any new woman (trust IS one of my issues with ANYone)...man...it is difficult! The untested conclusion I have come up with for ME is: If I am going to live the full life that I want to live, I am going to have to risk opening up myself again to possible betrayal, lies, hurt, etc. I don't want to live always second-guessing, questioning...yuck, NOT an ideal for living, for me. That being said, though, trust is earned, and W or anyone else will have to (re)earn my trust via actions, and their words and actions being congruent.
A good thing is, if you listen to your intuition, which takes in all seen and "unseen" info, usually it KNOWS the truth, and it will protect you, either way. "You" know whether you can trust your H now, and I think "you" will know in the future if you can trust him (or any new man).
Sorry for the hijack..lol..guess we are even now.. This trust issue flared up for my this morning, so had to respond.
Regarding feral cats...have you tried changing up the food in the bowl every now and then? Maybe friskies mixed grill or ocean buffet...? lol.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
"Regarding feral cats...have you tried changing up the food in the bowl every now and then? Maybe friskies mixed grill or ocean buffet...? lol."
Indeed, I have. It helps keep our friendly R going, but there is no romance AT ALL. Now, I could try ... again ... to flirt or whatever, but I have been rejected too many times to give that one a go (it's the main reason H's in the spare bedroom ... I didn't see any point to having a marital bedroom if there's no M, and I get disturbed on the odd days he's at home with his snoring, and my having to tip-toe when going to bed). It's fine to get the "no" when the M is going well, but when you get that negative answer when it's in the sewer tank, well ... not going to go there again.
I think I'll always have it in the back of my mind that whoever I'm with could betray me. It may not be an expected thing, but there'll never be a time, I think, that I will trust someone entirely. And, maybe that's a good thing. I will never entrust my financial health to another person, or expect them to make me happy. There'll not be the rose tinted glasses when I possibly get to a point of dating. I may even do a spot of investigating, in case, the NG is married, if there is a gut feeling of warning. I never want to be hit with a ball out of left field again. I feel that there will be no new marriages in my future. And, that's okay with me. I just have to get this one sorted out, and get myself free, either from H, or in a new improved M with H (which is very, very doubtful). I can see his disapproval of me, his stubborness to be right, and/or the good guy. He hides it well, but every now and then I catch a look, and I feel rejected all over again. But, I'm also stubborn, and I know who I am, so .... whatever.
Tonight, will be a BBQ with friends. He's at least, still connected with friends and family, and the children. Although, he was never disconnected ... only with me, but that's what kept him here ... he values his kids and friendships, which works for me. It's the only time I hear him laugh, or smile, so I organise these events as an "ocean buffet" for the "feral cat". Friskies will have to wait. LOL
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
My feral cat continues to eat the food, act strange, and proceed down the big D path. I feel many of our spouses are the same. Following that script, unwilling and unable to take a step back and see what is happening.
So we must let them walk their path. And if keeping the road home paved and smooth is in our hearts, then we do it. And maybe someday our feral cats will all be happy domesticated cats. Or maybe they get run over by cars while they are out there in the wild. We certainly have no control over them!
I hope your BBQ went well!
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
This trust issue flared up for my this morning, so had to respond.
Indeed, I have. It helps keep our friendly R going, but there is no romance AT ALL. Now, I could try ... again ... to flirt or whatever, but I have been rejected too many times to give that one a go (it's the main reason H's in the spare bedroom ... I didn't see any point to having a marital bedroom if there's no M, and I get disturbed on the odd days he's at home with his snoring, and my having to tip-toe when going to bed). It's fine to get the "no" when the M is going well, but when you get that negative answer when it's in the sewer tank, well ... not going to go there again.