My heart goes out to you...such a difficult thing to hear from your H right now. I think you've gotten some good advice in this thread so far. Just because he is wanting to discuss dividing up items/resources doesn't mean you have to react in a catastrophic way. Let him talk; you just listen. He sounds like he needs to approach things in a pragmatic way--match his tone, but don't be afraid to let him know you need time to work through this at your own pace. He may be of the mindset that D is inevitable right now. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. One thing I'm learning though my current experience is that I have to be comfortable with a certain amount of ambivalence. My H is pretty adamant that D is the only way to go right now...I'm not committing to anything.
Have the two of you tried counseling at all?
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Think of this: dont fear the conversation. The conversation doesnt create truth, it just opens your eyes to the truth. The only way youll ever have the power to deal with and potentially influence his truth is if he tells it to you.
How do you think he expects you to act when you have this conversation,cry, plead, act upset? Do you think you could surprise himwith your poise and self confidence?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I can do that. I will do that- The people here have inspired me to see situations, painful as they may be, for what they really are and not with blinders on.
When I confronted H with the unmistakable proof of his A, after weeks of him denying that there was anyone else, I was shocked at how calm I was. He even remarked on it later that he was surprised that I was so calm. He had the temerity to tell me he didn't tell me about his "friendship" as he called it because he didn't want to hurt me.
Wife, I'll second what 2 posted. What got me through the discussion about division of assets and household goods and all of the other legal wrangling was placing all of it in a business context. In another's sitch I was reminded there are two aspects to all of this the emotional and the business or legal.
It is of great benefit to compartmentalize them as much as possible.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I sent a short email back to him saying I would prefer those communications be done via email rather than discussions in person and he should send me his plans. This is entirely his decision and I think the best thing for me to do is let him work it out what he wants done and then I'l take the info to you guys and a lawyer and handle it that way. There's no point in having a face-to-face discussion if all he wants to discuss is how to divide up the life it took us 20 years to build.
Thank you to you all for responding. In lurking here for weeks, I felt like I finally found people who understood what was happening and who genuinely cared for each other.
Do others feel like I do that at some point the WAS is going to realize what s/he is losing but by that time it will be too late? I have no intention of giving up on our M but mercy, sometimes it's so hard to keep the faith with all the crap raining down. Crap completely engineered by H.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Do others feel like I do that at some point the WAS is going to realize what s/he is losing but by that time it will be too late? I have no intention of giving up on our M but mercy, sometimes it's so hard to keep the faith with all the crap raining down. Crap completely engineered by H.
Ahh, yes. Sometimes I do feel this is a possibility and the idea of the WAS coming to such a realization only it being too late creates a lot of angst in me. I don't know if its a good or bad sign, but I sometimes wonder if such a time does come, what if *I* truly feel there's no going back? Would that mean that H was right all along in doing what he did, regardless of the way he went about it?
This is where a sense of "positive uncertainty" is important to have. No matter where things end up, I have to believe that it will be the right outcome needed to happen at the time. I surrender my attempts to control and accept that everything always happens for a reason...even if it takes a while to understand why that was the reason.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
