I had a good day today, mostly, but at the same time emotional and tough. I know, it's strange that it's both at the same time. Let's say the outer world was positive, and my inner world was turbulent. I managed to avoid arguments today though.
But I couldn't hold on to myself enough! I called my H and asked him why he didn't tell me he was having dinner with my parents. I said I didn't mind him having dinner with them, only that I would have liked to have been told by him.
He said he didn't say anything because he just wanted peace, and that besides we are not together anyway - yadayadayada.
He then asked if I could recommend a restaurant, and so forth. I didn't have much to give in energy anyway so it was simple and straight-forward, but I didn't have any suggestions either. It was a 15 minute conversation, and I made damn sure I didn't raise my voice (can't really anyway, as I seem to have some sort of nasal/throat problem going on). I said what I had to say and ended the conversation.
You know, I totally get his need for peace. I get that and I can accept that.
A couple of hours later he called me to apologise for not telling me. I said that I greatly appreciated his apology.
I really did appreciate the effort - in the past he would have left me to stew in my own juices.
After that, I looked into some restaurants. I emailed him some suggestions and ideas for places he can go with my parents.
I had a good day for the most part...only that sitting in the back of my mind all day long has been this dinner that my parents had with my H. Worse, my mother hasn't even called to tell me anything.
I feel really anxious, and more than that isolated.
She said she would call to tell me. Not a peep. Nothing. She knows how I feel, so it is very unfair of her.
The whole thing makes me want to distance myself from them.
but try to let go of it - it will give you more peace of mind - you will know what you need to know when it's time to know it.
maybe your mom is processing what took place, and maybe nothing did. do you think you maybe be having some expectations that are making you anxious?
The whole thing makes me want to distance myself from them.
you're feeling a bit defensive, maybe? could you try to see it slightly differently - that your h does have his own relationship with them that is separate from yours?
i can't imagine how difficult this is for you--i know that if my h was having dinner with my parents, i would be losing it majorly.
don't feel isolated -there could be a host of other reasons why she hasn't called yet. you might be surprised that it is something really trivial that came up and she was too busy to call
could you just call your mom? or do you feel that you have to wait until she calls you?
remember - no expectations, then you won't feel disappointed
(((( )))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Yes, I keep thinking, "She must be busy. Something must have happened to prevent her from calling." But those are excuses and I know it. But yeah, in truth, I think she is processing it really. That in itself though is not really great news.
What really pisses me off is that when she divorced my father, she didn't want us to have anything to do with him and made it so. But now, she's going out to dinner with my H without consideration of how I feel.
You are right, I am feeling defensive and self-protective. I have a good mind to not speak to her for a week. I will not call her - she said she would call me.
Accept that they have a separate relationship - that's hard. It's not like we have children and so it's hard for me to see how they would have a relationship at all if it weren't for me. They were not the best of friends when we were together - in fact my H had plenty of criticisms over the years. My H would look for reasons not to come to my parents place, and then suddenly all cozy, cozy.
n fact my H had plenty of criticisms over the years. My H would look for reasons not to come to my parents place, and then suddenly all cozy, cozy.
one dinner is not cozy cozy!!
and if what you wrote above is true - give it a chance and see the best in it - the fact that he wanted to go anywhere near them at this point - is huge for him.
he's not going to take the first chance he gets together with them to announce anything. at best he's feeling things out and that's all it is
yes YC - FOCUS ON YOURSELF
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
was going to add - no expectations AT ALL , or you'll be on the roller coaster!
you took yourself off, remember? - do your own thing, go for a run, meditate, do whatever you do to get yourself into a good frame of mind. take your mind off the subject and keep it off.
you'll get the info when your mom is ready to give it - and most of all - send loving thoughts to your mother.
one thing i've noticed, which surprises me continually, when i least expect it - the LBS's aren't the only ones that want us to get back together with our spouses - there are others around who have the same strong feelings about it. let them work their own magic in their own way - don't interrupt the process. everything that happens happens for a very good reason - just let it be
(((( )))) again and go do something else:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
They did the exact same thing last year, only last year my mother didn't tell me a thing. I found out via my H's email! Days passed, and I just waited, and there was nothing forthcoming. I then called her and really let her have it.
The only reason she told me this year that they were meeting for dinner was because I yelled like there was no tomorrow at her last year. I questioned her honesty, her loyalty, her support.
This is what is really bothering me. She knows very well how I feel.
I find it very insensitive of her, VERY, to not say anything. Would a friend do that?
Boy - she has another thing coming.
Sorry, I can't let this one go. I've let a lot go over the last few years, but my mother's behaviour now is unacceptable to me.
I don't mean to be arguing with you Zig, believe me - I appreciate your perspective.
And, I've kept myself sooo damn busy today and yesterday - got so much done. Didn't do a damn thing to alleviate my anxiety. But, I did get a lot done - which is good
hi YC - was just checking in this morning to see how you were doing. and then read your post.
you're not arguing with me at all. i do find it really odd that your mom is behaving like that - and that she met your h last year. did she explain what she is trying to do? or why she is doing it like that?
maybe there are things going on behind the scenes that don't make much sense to you from where you're standing, that you can't do anything about? i don't know.
or is this a time to set boundaries for yourself and your mom?
i'm glad you kept yourself busy - good for you! keep doing that.
the only thing i can offer right now, is that you'll drive yourself crazy with the why's, what's and where's of this if you focus on it too much.
i remember our first conversations months ago, where you talked a lot about being in a peaceful place and letting go of stuff. maybe you could go back and read those posts and get yourself centered. letting go of the current issue allows for solutions to appear in a different unexpected way. (i'm going to take my own advice here today, too),
keep focusing on other things - it will pan out eventually, one way or another
stay peaceful
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I can tell you I had a pretty sleepless night. But, I held onto my reactivity (which is one of the 180's I'm working on continuously).
Finally, this morning, I called my mother. I didn't explode or anything - which is an accomplishment in itself. I was very calm - maybe because I was so tired.
All she said was that she was very busy yesterday and couldn't sit down to chat. I let it go so that we could get on with the 'meat' of the meal.
She said it was a lovely dinner, and nothing she hadn't heard before. Her final conclusion was that she got the feeling that my H does not want a divorce and wants to remain in the relationship, BUT he wants peace as well. He did not say this himself, this 'conclusion' is my mother using her intuition. He did say he can't stand my reactivity and feels he doesn't know what mood I will wake up in, and it leaves him feeling unsettled.
I do understand what he is saying. My parents confirm that I can be abrupt when I am feeling defensive, and said my siblings feel the same way about me. They sometimes feel they are on tenterhooks with me.
Seriously though, it's something I've been working on for a while, and everyone knows it. I feel I have come a hell of a long way with that aspect of myself and my spirituality has been helping me achieve that.
Still, there are times (like yesterday) where I don't hold onto it, and I run rampant in defensiveness and I can be quite abrupt and 'biting' during these times.
Still, I felt hope again, REAL hope from what my mother had to say.
On the positive side, he did say a lot of very complimentary things about me too, and things he greatly admired. He also cried during some of the dinner they said.
So, that's my main work - my reactivity. I'm a strong person, and I'm in the process of redirecting that strength from defensiveness to allowing. Again, my spirituality is helping me with that enormously (as well as your gentle reminders Zig
I then spoke to my sister, and asked her if she felt she was walking on eggshells with me. She said no, but remembers the days when we would argue like cats and dogs. I remember those days well too. It was about 2 years ago that all that stopped with my sister, mainly because she started her spiritual journey, and then so did I.
So, the next step I ask myself?
Keeping doing my work, and continue to use this time to practice allowing. Maybe start cultivating a more generous attitude about people's intentions as well.
I feel - given enough space and time - my H will slowly return. In the meantime, I send him little thoughtful emails, and he sends me the same. I wish him well in his week, and like with this dinner - suggest a restaurant and bid him a good time. It's gonna take time, but there is hope and I am grateful for that.
I feel like all this work I've been doing is amounting to something positive.
Thanks for much for your feedback Zig, and for your reminders and support. And, thank you Bill as well for encouraging me to go with the dinner and to let it happen. You guys are amazing!
Oh, I just want to add this particular view that a friend of mine sent. I am not jewish, my friend is, but I find it very in line with DB:
