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[ces67]

Hey all, thanks for checking in. I've been on a business trip since last Wednesday and have been pretty busy. I'm heading back home today.

W and I have kept in good contact while I've been gone and she has even asked my assistance writing up a summary of herself for the modeling competition she wants to enter (I think I mentioned this before about her doing this). It could only be 150 words and basically asks to tell about herself and why she is entering the competition. Tomorrow is the deadline so I got it to her yesterday. She is now having a friend who works in PR to review it as well.

We continue to play "Words with Friends" every day which is a very low-stress way to interact in a fun way. I won the first 2 games and now she's kicking my butt on the 3rd. In a funny way, this is a good sign. We use to play cards a lot when we were first together. She ALWAYS won. The only time I can remember winning was when she was mad at me and distracted. So the fact that she is winning the 3rd game is a positive sign to me in a funny way.

Tomorrow is my birthday. She had originally planned to do something for me last weekend but my trip came up. No idea what we will be doing but its nice that she planned something.

This is the last week of school for the kids. Next week my S13 is going on a trip with church and D10 is going to the beach with a friend and her family. So W and I will have at least 3 days at home with just us. This makes me nervous only because we've not had time alone together in a very long time. I do need to talk to her about this and just get some sort of gameplan together so its not awkward the entire time. It could be a good opportunity to sort of "date" for a few days. But I won't force anything beyond what she is comfortable with.

I will make some suggestions but will have no expectations that she will agree. So we'll see what life is like at home after a week away.

[Rick1963]

Happy Bday buddy. Keep up the faith and the good work. You are doing good.

[zig]

great ces - no expectations!!

and happy happy birthday:)

we're all with you here

take care
zig

[LIO]

Happy birthday!

[ces67]

Thanks for the birthday wishes! It was a nice day. Work was crazy after being out of the office for a week but I really do love my new job that I started 2 months ago.

My family took me out to dinner when I got home. My D10 picked the restaurant and we went to a Hard Rock Cafe in town that none of us had been to. Then we walked around downtown for a while. It was nice. My W helped the kids get me gifts which included a certificate for a massage (YES!) and a movie gift card with a note that read "for Family Movie Night". So this weekend we'll all go see Men in Black 3 together. My D picked me out some clothes and wants to go shopping with me to get some more. My D10 is very cool and a great shopper. She'll get me looking good!

My W left me a note the morning of my b-day letting me know they were taking me out and asked if I prefer her hair straight or curly. I thought that was kind of odd to ask but it was nice that she wanted my opinion (I chose curly as that's how it was when we first met).

I also brought up the fact that we will have a few days to ourselves next week with the kids gone and offered to take a day off if she wanted to do anything or tackle a house project. Later the next day, W asked me to take off on Tuesday and we would make a day of it along with dinner to celebrate our 20th anniversary a little early since she will be gone with the kids on our actual anniversary. (they are leaving before so D10 can see the dance recital of her former dance studio w/ friends).

Also, I had told W that I was coming to former home area the weekend of Father's Day because I wanted to be with the kids and not by myself like last year. This conversation was prior to my business trip. W had said she was going to suggest that as well. Yesterday she asked if I could take a few days off to have more time than just the weekend. I told her I'd already done that.

I am cautious to say that I may be approaching a "piecing" stage of things. I am well aware that my W does not have strong feelings for me. She is still distant. She still does not trust me to be sincere in who I am. But...she is trying. She is making efforts to draw close again and we are having conversations and talking about stuff somewhat like we use to. There is a long road ahead still and the squirrel is still very nervous.

I will not get wrapped up in her issues though. I will continue to focus on myself and enjoy life. Hopefully she'll fall in love with me again. If not, I'm still growing, learning and enjoying life more than I have in a long time. Its still a roller coaster, but my stomach is getting use to the twists & turns a good bit more than 2 years ago....

[labug]

Great news, ces!

I can remember your posts from the winter when you seemed so lost (as we all were)

You have done an amazing job.

(((ces)))

[zig]

oh ces - so happy for you - baby steps.

you sound as if you are in a really grounded place inside yourself. the tone of your post implies that

i have to admit that after i read your post i had a bit of a cry

it was a combination of many things - happiness for you that there was a positive shift in your sitch after so long, sadness for all you have been through, hope for myself (and that's when i realized that i've given up hope a little, and that it's ok for me to have it, but i'm scared to have it - self-protection) and both sadness and happiness for all the people on this forum - sadness for all our pain, but happiness that we all have been given the opportunity to become the best of who we really are.

keep being the best of who you really are and we're all here supporting you and wishing you better and better moments with your w and family

((( )))
zig

[AlwaysTrying]

Wow, ces! I'm really happy to hear you have all these positive developments in your life and sitch.

I'm especially glad you plan to be with your kids on Father's day and your W supports this.

Congrats!

[ces67]

LaBug - that lost feeling is still fresh in mind as if knocking to get back if I let it. I'm working not to. I really think the turning point was me initiating some difficult conversations. This was a big 180 for me but I spent a lot of time focusing on other aspects of DB rather than really doing something different from what I had done (which is another big DB concept).

Zig, thanks. I can very much identify with the fear of having hope. Over the past 2 years I've been able to come to terms for the most part that I can have hope even if it is not in my current marriage. That idea is still painful but knowing hope can be fulfilled in many ways has helped with my frame of mind. Gratitude and hope feel much better than worry and despair. That seems so obvious but its so amazingly difficult to make that mental shift in the midst of all this. But it is doable. For me, a faith in God is the anchor that has helped me make that transition along with friends who have supported me (including here).

AT - I'm very glad to be spending Father's day with my kids and also with my own dad. My mom's still dealing with her chemo treatments. She's doing well but the chemo is having more of an impact on her energy now. The doc says that's normal though and will get better.

This journey is far from over and in the back of my mind, I know the roller coaster can twist at any moment. And when it does, it will impact me because I'm human. But I also know I can handle the ride. We are a good bit more comfortable around each other and that's a good start. But we still have to deal with the issues that got us here. W has not given her full agreement to return to counseling and with summer here, I very much doubt that can even start until August.

Another challenge we will face is the fact that we have different value systems now where that once was not true. Not sure how this will be resolved. These are some very core beliefs and so far, my views (which use to be hers) have been given little to no respect. That's going to be hard for me because it impacts how we raise our kids. But all things are possible.

Good things are happening. I'm allowing myself to acknowledge this and smile. Still lots of work to do.

[ces67]

couple quick updates (at least I'll try. I can get wordy)...

Sunday morning W and I had a tense interchange. I walked into the bathroom while she was getting ready for church and saw her taking a picture of herself in just a towel. I asked her what she was doing and she responded "nothing". I pressed and said it looked like she was taking a picture of herself and was she planning to send it to anyone, like OM... She said no and that she takes pictures of herself at different times even with our D10 as she is working to figure out if she can make the modeling thing work.

Then she said that we had made some good progress in the last few weeks and she didn't want me to go back to being uptight and spying on her. I agreed that is not what I want either. I explained that I know very little about what took place between she and OM and when I see things like this it feels very uncomfortable. She again said that it was only flirting. She then added the detail that they had chatted on FB several times until OM's wife caught them. I didn't know that part. That makes me feel good as when W is with them, the friend is probably on more alert than I expected.

The conversation ended in a decent fashion and we actually went on with a normal day with good interactions.

Tonight was another deal...I was watching a movie while W was doing some work on the computer. I got tired and decided to go on to bed. W looked off in some way so I asked if she was OK. She said yes and good night. A few minutes later she followed me into the bathroom as I'm getting ready. It seemed odd but I just went about getting ready.

When I finished, W said there was something and she was scared to bring it up but needed to. Basically, she had set up our tax return to go into her own account rather than our joint. She explained that it was only because she couldn't find the account info for our joint account when she finished the filing. She also said that she had already spent a little of 25% of the return. She apologized. She said she had tried to justify it but knew it was wrong and wanted to let me know. I listened, told her I needed to process but stayed calm. I did say that I had suspected she had done this given how long it had been since the filing and I also told her that I really appreciated her telling me and being honest.

She said she was going to wait because I have the day off tomorrow so we can spend it together and she didn't want to ruin that but she felt she needed to tell me. I again thanked her.

We also discussed here closing her own account and using only a joint account again to work together.

W said we had made some really good progress in the last few weeks and she was scared about taking steps backwards for her mistakes. I tried to support and asked her to listen very carefully. Then I said, "I love you. I've made tons of mistakes and done things I greatly regret and wish I could take back, but I can't. I'm not going to stop loving you or trying to help our marriage because of any mistake you may make." I think I mentioned appreciating her honesty again.

So again, the converation ended with us OK and we still plan on spending the day together and going out to dinner. I also invited her to come to have lunch with me this week while the kids were gone so I could give here a tour of where I work. Its a rather interesting place. In the 2 years she's been here she's not been for a tour while others in our family have. She agreed to come.

Conversations are starting up and they feel like healing conversations. I will not rush this. I will not rush this. I will not rush this.... (my own little reminders.)

OK, I typed it fast but its still long... thanks for reading.