i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[BFloat]

thank you for all the feedback! it really has given me a lot of things to think about! i'm going to try the advance mode of quoting and answering comments. lol.

(((BF))) What I read is that you are struggling with forgiving him.

rick.. i think i have forgiven him. in the sense that i realize he is doing what he feels he needs to do. but i will say that i do not trust him. that is something i have been really struggling w/ for over 2 years since i found out about his PA. the difficult part is that he clearly stated in MC that he had no desire to rebuild that trust. i am not closed to R.. i just see a lot of hurdles if we ever decided to.

No I don't read it as needing validation but that you are unable to LET GO with out having some sort of EXPECTATION or control mechanism.

Maybe this is a step in that direction.

Maybe you need some reason to LET GO.

I think that the RV gave you some sort of false EXPECTATIONS.
I wish it were that easy, but this is really hard stuff.

What does "DONE" look like?

cadet, you are probably right about RV and the expectations. i had hope. hope = expectations? it's sometimes a blur to me. lol.

i'm not quite sure what you mean by maybe i need some reason to let go. i do need to let go. i guess that's what i meant by being done.

what does "done" look like for me. it's about moving on with my life. i love H. even through all the bad times.. there have been way more good. and i know when he loved me.. he truly loved me. but by being done.. i need to move forward. because H is on his own path. whether that path crosses with mine again remains to be seen. but he may never become the man i need him to be.. and i may never be the woman he needs me to be. does that make any sense?

(((BF)))

Its seems that reaching out to your friend is part of closing the door on your M. Not sure if that's how you see it or not. At some point you do need to move on with you. And you know that the choice of your H joining you on that journey is his and not yours.

Can you tell me why calling your friend was out of your comfort zone? What part made you nervous?

i have always had a lot of guy friends. i think i end up in the unintimidating.. reserved good girl that guys like to confide in. lol. and in a group setting.. i am usually the last one to get noticed.

so what made me nervous was the fact that i have been w/ H for 12 yrs. after M, i cut off a lot of those friendships. i only kept the guy friends that i was comfortable introducing H to and including him in those interactions.

this phone call was to someone H does not know. and i think you're right.. it is closing the door on my M in a way.

rick.. ro.. la.. thanks always for the love and support. as much as i need the 2 x 4's.. i need the love too!

the phone call was just a phone call. no more. no less. out of my comfort zone because i always feel so awkward and shy. i am truly a dork. lol. and it was something i definitely would not have done in my M.

as for the teeny weeny bikini?? you have got to be kidding me!!!! lol. i would need maybe 3 of those teeny weeny things to be decent!!