Thought I'd start a new thread before I got locked. Not a lot new CV, thanks for asking.
After the last weekend plus of not communicating I texted her on monday. This was after more texts, a few phone calls and so on that I did not return. She eventually texted "Please don't cut off my communication with S because you are angry with me. It's not good for anyone except maybe you". I didn't respond.
Finally after another unanswered call in the morning I texted to say I wasn't angry, just upset by some things she said to/about me in her e-mails. We started a dialogue and have been cordial this past week.
S had his spring concert yesterday at the tender age of two. Took the day off to attend....w took a half day. Prior to the event she asked me if I would take video for her. I never really said "yes", just that I take pictures/video of "everything" these days. We sat together at the event and seemingly got along, though initially It felt as though she was a bit tense. We both beamed with pride when our little guy was up with his class singing. It was awesome.
It was an odd bitter-sweet moment. Out little boy that we struggled so hard to bring into this world was showing signs of his own growth, his own independence. My head fast-forwarded to graduations and other events. I felt happy and pride for him, but sad at the prospect that he might be doing all of it between two homes....two parents.
Funny, but when we were sitting in the audience we struck up conversation with another parent in S's class. W and the mother of the other little boy realized they worked in the same field but different school districts. The lady asked if w lived "up here" meaning the end of town where I live with son and his school is located. W said "yes". She actually lives 20 minutes south of the place since she moved out - so she just decided to lie to the woman. Sure, she was probably embarrassed to say "no, we're separated" and make the moment awkward - but still, I found it odd. No matter.
I am going my best to maintain distance still - to the extent that I can with S in the middle. I still miss hi tremendously when he is gone. And, I am sad to admit ,I still miss my wife a lot, too. But I am trying to keep myself busy.
I have gone back and forth on whether or not to attempt dating. It's about a 50/50 split when I talk to friends. Some say it would be a good thing to do, while others say if you still have feelings for your wife and want to work on R - do not do it at all. One the one hand, I see that point crystal clear. On the other, part of me just wants to do my best to forget about her and I miss going out on dates, affection - etcetera. Sure, there is no one on this Earth that I would rather being doing that with than my W, but sometimes I get caught up in pining for her, for my family, and wonder if I just need to "find someone else that wants to have a family" like she said in her e-mail after the settlement hearing. It's been almost 9 months since she dropped the bomb. If I still have feelings for her, which I do - is it too soon to just get back out there and try? Is that part of "dropping the rope"?
"Be ready to exercise more patience that you ever thought possible" - is pretty much reiterated in the book and on these boards a lot. I am finding that to be insanely true. I know that we are in a better space than when the bomb dropped, but I had hoped that after this many months we would be "piecing" or at least better than where we currently are. Again - more patience than I ever thought possible.
I have moments of strength and moments of weakness. Somedays it is like day one all over again and I finding myself depressed in bed saying "you can do this" over and over again just to muster the strength to deal with what may or may not be another emotional day. Some mornings I still get sick to my stomach. Not good - but it is a LOT better than it was.
I know I am painting a less-than-positive picture here, but I am doing OK.
