I wish I would have picked up the book Divorce Remedy sooner, but I didn't, so I made some mistakes.
Basics: M:5 years. 2 daughters from marriage (2,4)
I did the whole "I love you" thing over and over, which I saw, and read, that it did more damage than good. My W even commented before I knew about the affair, that she didn't like me saying it. After I found out about the affair, I did it more. I realize now that it was pushing her away more.
In short, my wife started an affair at the end of 2011. She told me it started in December, but I have heard different. It doesn't matter when it started in reality.
In January of 2012, she told me she was pregnant. I was excited, but scared at the same time since we were struggling financially. We ended up losing the baby. At this point, I am not sure if it was even my baby. When I asked her after finding out about the affair, she said it was and had asked the doctor because she wanted to be sure.
After we lost the baby, she started to go over to a friend's house and stay out late. When she would return late, she would tell me she had been drinking and didn't want to risk driving home. I felt she was going through tough times losing the baby so it didn't bother me that she was going out. I felt she needed the release and encouraged her to go out while I watched our kids (2, 4, 13).
Once I started to expect the affair and confronted her, she admitted to talking to someone which became the truth it was more than talking. I snooped around and found out it was her friend's son. The friend was older, the son was close to her age. W is 33. OM is 31. Every time I encouraged her to go to her friend's, she was seeing him.
She told me she needed time to think. She told me that when we married she didn't want kids right away but I did. I could sense she was going through a MLC and didn't know what she wanted.
I didn't want to lose my W, so we started to "date" each other. When we were together, it was like nothing had ever happened. She was the W I knew and married. However, she continued to see the OM.
A few weeks after confronting her and her telling me she needed to think, we found an apartment for her. For the first week, we continued to "date". To me, it felt like we were making progress. However, every time I wasn't with her, the OM was. It became too much for me so I told her I would no longer "date" her until he was gone. I was not going to share my W.
We had a loose separation. I didn't even know the guidelines. After three weeks, we had a talk where I told her that I was going to file for D but didn't want to rush into it because I didn't want to have to tell my daughters when they got older that mom and dad rushed into divorce without trying. I outlined the "rules" of our separation, splitting bank accounts and a timeline. We already agreed on visitation and that wasn't an issue. I told her that if we were not working on our marriage in roughly two months (I gave a specific date), then I would file the paperwork and proceed with D.
For the past few weeks preceding this ultimatum talk, we have had minimal contact. From contact everyday for nine years to minimal contact.
Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to give some background information.
Now for my question.
Like I stated, I did the wrong things with the "I love you"s. I sent her a couple of cards expressing my feelings to her.
She never checked her mail at her apartment. When she checked the other day, there was a sticker that said not to deliver mail as no one lived at that address. Now there are two cards out there that I now know are a mistake.
She is going to pickup her mail soon or it is going to be delivered and she is going to see and read these cards. She will contact me after reading them.
When she mentions receiving the cards, what do I do?
If she reads them, what do I say when she asks me about what I said?
If she hasn't read them and tells me she received some cards from me, what do I do? Do I tell her to throw them out? Do I tell her that I wrote them weeks ago?
I am at the Last Resort Technique and don't want to move backwards with the cards expressing my love.
