So I did some journalling off this site and started realising that he wasn't the only one who lost himself. When we met I had just gone through a period of rebuilding my self esteem and refinding my identity after losing a job that had for a long time defined me.
When he met I had decided that I was going to do all these things that I had previously not done because I'd been too busy working or had put off doing. I'd started doing them then we met and I kept it up all the way until I shifted from doing those things to do things I thought a family or a couple should do and got upset when he didn't react like I thought he should and then finally I stopped planning. okay that's all typical WAW cycle.
But I'd lost myself too, which is why I gained weight, needed attention, didn't trust myself, had to sabotage because I didn't think I should be happy.
There are things that cause me to feel like I'm "not good enough" stemming from past, how and where I grew up, things I did when I was young and didn't know any better we all have those things.
So I wrote a quick paragraph about myself as if I was someone looking from the outside in. I'm a pretty amazing person. I've accomplished so much in my life and I have a lot to be proud of. Yes I've had bumps along the way (I put all those in too) But we all mistakes. We all have regrets.
That part of me that feels unworthy was somehow happier when I was feeling unhappy, rejected, unloved, and like I didn't deserve a second chance at my M. That's not true. I don't even like the word deserve because it sounds like you're owed something.
That part of me doesn't even feel like I should have a friendship or give friendship with H. Because people like me don't get to be friends with their ex. We're not that well adjusted.
I'm not listening to that part of me anymore. I'm not putting myself thru the self-flagellation of the crying, the pity party, feeling unworthy, or not good enough.
Each day I will try to live my life in a way that at the end of the day I can look back and say I had fun doing x today, I found/saw the beauty in x today, and I'm proud of how I lived today.
As far as H goes, I'm detaching with love and that includes the worry. I have to detach from my regrets, from my fears about the future, from my opinion of his choices, from my once hopes and dreams for us and from my once shunning of them. When someone said let's toast the death of the old M....I get it now. All of that is in the past. How we related to each other is all there is. (I am not downplaying the fact that he may still have hurt, pain, sense of betrayal and loss when he thinks of me. But I now understand that there's not much I can do to change that in our current sitch)
I look at how I felt at the beginning of the month and I'm in a better place, the same way I was in a better place at the end of April than I was at the beginning and the same with March. I'll looking to build and build on that.
