i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

[BFloat]

i think i'm just about done.

i've spent the last couple of weeks really trying to just sort myself.. where i'm at.. how i'm feeling..

it's been really challenging. doing the RV dialoguing.. but i think i'm just about done.

i don't feel angry. i feel sad. but i'm ok. i really loved him. and in truth, i probably always will. but it's different. when i think about us... the innocence of that love.. that marriage.. is gone. i have been hurt so much the past few years w/ the infidelity, his leaving.. even now. his lack of commitment.. his choice of not being married.. i feel.. it is what it is.

i can not control how he feels. i can not make him be happy w/ this life. there's so much going on in my head and i don't know how to get it down in words.

i did something today that seemed so trivial but in hindsight.. i see the significance. i called a guy friend today. and i was nervous. how dumb! lol. but i think part of the reason why i felt nervous was that i was doing something out of my comfort zone. i should clarify.. i did not call him with the intention of pursuing.. yes i think he's cute.. but i think a lot of guys are cute.. it was the fact that it was a step forward for me. and something i would not have done if i felt M.

i keep thinking about the leona lewis song.. happy. i just want to be happy. i want that for H too. he is a good guy.

i can't write anymore. i'm all over the place. more emotions than words right now. i need a hug.