Angel, I have never posted to you before but I have been following along for over a year now. I think you are a dedicated mother and an intelligent woman who believes in her marriage and wants to do what is best for everyone involved. I admire that very much and I have always enjoyed reading your threads.
That said, I do have some comments. I have been wanting to comment for awhile but you have Starsky and 25 and they are invaluable.
My husband and I attended Retrovaille last October and we have been piecing for 9 months. My H had an A and so I have read every book on infidelity that I could get my hands on, as well I have spent hours perusing the net for information. I have read it all and what I have learned is that the healing process after an A (regardless of whether it is a PA or an EA) is very narrow. I cringed for you when your H was in contact with OW again. No contact is no contact is no contact. Every contact with the affair partner, sets recovery back to zero. His reaction was predictable. Of course he withdrew after contact with OW. It is all part of the script.
As you know before Retrovaille, they ask that there be no third parties involved. Infidelity is discussed in the post sessions. Infidelity in any form is not a loving decision. An EA is just as damaging to a marriage as a PA. Some say even more so as fantasy is more powerful than reality.
I agree with 25 that the reasons for infidelity vary greatly. I agree that your H holds very strong family values that have prevented him from turning his EA into a PA.
BUT...
The effects of infidelity on the M once it has occurred are the same. Regardless. The damage is the same. The healing must begin with the same steps. The first being NO CONTACT. Ever.
I also wholeheartedly agree with Starsky. His words of wisdom regarding A's are merely echoing what you will read in any book on infidelity. The way to deal with it once it has entered into your marriage is to set firm boundaries.
Boundaries are NOT ultimatums.
Ultimatums come from a place of fear, control and disrespect.
Boundaries are about strength, self-respect and self-esteem
Ultimatums often end a relationship. Boundaries invite a relationship to change.
I think it was Starsky, or some other wise poster that said that those of us who set firm boundaries after an A are the ones who have the best chance of recover ing from infidelity. Those of us who say to our partners, "I love you but I will not be in a marriage with 3 people" understand that we must have boundaries in order to have a healthy relationship with both ourselves and our spouses.
We cannot force our spouses to end an A but we can choose to NOT make ourselves an option if they continue with an A or if they continue contact with their EA partner. I do not believe you can truly piece with an ongoing EA. And contact of any form with a previous EA partner is detrimental to the M.
For the very reasons 25 expressed, I believe your H has very strong values connected to his family and his marriage. I think he wants to be committed and in many ways is...but he is struggling. These are the very reasons I think he knows deep down his EA is the wrong choice and has no future. But he is fence sitting or cake eating or whatever label we may give it because he has that option. There is a contrast effect in an EA or a PA and the spouse appears less appealing because the A is a fantasy. It is not baed on reality in the least which is why less than 2% (or some other dismal number) of A's turn into real relationships. I firmly believe that if you set boundaries for yourself, your H will eventually let go of OW for good. But those boundaries must be firm. They must be done for you and not to control your H. That is the difference that will make all the difference in the world.
