am i better off without him?

[scaredsilly]

thanks brit and tb, thanks for dropping in. i don't get many visitors because i don't post much (too embarassed about my poor db skills) so i appreciate you looking me up and commenting.

this limbo is getting on my nerves. one day my H seems nice and warm and the next day withdrawn and cold. he will text me about impersonal things (selling a rental property) and rarely do we talk on the phone unless i initiate it. when i do speak to him, he seems nice and sometimes, even loving (no ily's but caring).

yesterday, it was all text. no substance, no greeting, business only. so, that's how i left it, too. he sent some emails from work about his expense deposits and his email address changing but i didn't respond. i called three attorneys to find out about their initial consultation fees. that's how fed up i am with this.

this weekend is a holiday weekend and we always did something so i know he'll be doing something with his mom, kids, and the rest of his family. probably not a thought about me.

that's one of the things that i still hold resentment about. i was always expected to act as if i were a real member of his family; be a "mother" to his kids, help his mom and sisters, go to all the nieces' and nephews' graduations and birthday parties (with check or present in hand, of course), all the parties, host visiting relatives at our house and feed and entertain them, host friends, etc.

now, at probably one of the saddest and scariest and loneliest times in my life, not one of his family members has contacted me to offer support or condolences for the situation i'm in. they know this is not my hometown. i don't want them to take "my side" over "his side". i can only imagine what he's told them as i've not heard a word. it's so disappointing and disturbing. if we were to R, how could i ever feel a part of them again? and i would not and could not give as i've given in the past. i really would like to slap them all! sorry but i'm so angry and hurt by them. 15 friggin' years and not an ounce of concern. disgusting. they should be ashamed. i can remember changing his mom's mastectomy dressings.

oh, well. that's what makes me wonder sometimes if i'm better off without him. i certainly don't miss their family get-togethers, especially, since half of them are alcoholics.

on my GAL front, i just got home from the beach and it was wonderful! i went by myself which is hard for me to do because it's lonely and i feel self-conscious, but i did it. last night i had my yoga class and i love it. i have applied to volunteer at our local hospital (i used to be an lpn, years ago) and i'm thinking about a water aerobics class next monday.

tonight i go to my grandson's baseball game and tomorrow evening, a wine tasting at the beach again.

i'm keeping busy. H called me this morning to tell me something the realtor had told him and to request i set up some appointments for inspections on the rental we're selling. it was good i was at the beach. he was very surprised! i loved it! i'm sure he could hear the waves crashing in the background. i didn't tell him i was alone and he didn't ask (that would imply he cares...). but i asked him to email me the information because i couldn't write it down as I WAS AT THE BEACH!! ;-) and he was in his office at work!

soon after that call, he sent text of a picture of my favorite college football team's logo that he had taken in one of his customer's offices. he said, "have a good time at the beach! gosh it's really nice out!" darn straight! i didn't respond!