New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

Yup, AJ, that pretty much sums it up. We had a great, GREAT life together. Fantastic. Pursuing and achieving things we both wanted in life. And I know he wanted them too because it's been confirmed by so many people. My family and friends loved him.

But I know now that I never really knew him. Whenever he said "the past is the past it doesn't matter" I just accepted it and figured today and tomorrow are new. Although I said to him "it's important to understand the past because it informs how we live in the future," I accepted that he just didn't want to go there. OK. Let's go fishing.

The extent of his hiding is more visible to me now, and I suspect that what I know is only the tip of the iceburg.

Reconciling our great life with the fact that I never [i]really[/b] knew him is challenging.

It's funny. When I initially implored him to stay all he could say was "I f'ed up again and I can't f up any more." I replied with "you'll do things differently for some new thing but not for your wife and our life together?" "No," he replied, "because you'll never change." Project much?

I seriously doubt he's told her any of the things he hid from me, which is at the heart of the matter. Right alongside it, I think, is a great big sack of anger shoved right down to both sets of toes.

Until he is able to open up, own his past mistakes and take responsibility for life and decisions in it, the record will keep skipping. I REALLY don't want to be part of that. But that's the intellectual part of me. The emotional part sees the boat as symbolic of us and for it to sell means all hope is extinguished. Plus the debt thing...one more stab.

I have my theories as to why he makes the choices and behaves as he does, and it goes right back to family of origin. I've waxed on about it in other posts and won't go there now. Zzzzzzz.

I'm thinking Monday after work will be boat/chat day. He can wait until tomorrow for my email though. My paranoia says he might have been planning to go out on the water this weekend, but I truly don't think he'd do that. I can simply call the marina to verify that the boat is there on land.

Thanks, Folks!