Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

Well I seem to be pulling out of this funk I've been in the past few days. I spent most of Monday texting with H back & forth. By the end of the night I was completely drained but couldn't sleep because I was still so upset and couldn't stop ruminating about the events and my feelings over the course of the previous few days.

I apologized to him for whatever I've done to get him so upset with me. On Tuesday I spent my therapy session talking about how this has been a life-long pattern of mine: somebody acts like a jerk towards me & my immediate reaction to it is to assume that I've done something to cause it so I apologize and try to fix it. Even when it's blaringly obvious that I've done nothing to provoke such behaviour from the other person. I know where it comes from, it's just a matter of slowing myself down enough to recognize it and objectively evaluate the situation before jumping into accepting responsibility and trying to fix it. It's also a matter of me growing the gonads to confront the other person on their offending behaviour & making it clear that it's not ok with me. My fear holds me back. Fear of what, I'm not really sure yet. I do know that I hate confrontation. It's something I'll need to explore further.

My therapist suggested that H knows this pattern of mine & uses it to his advantage to avoid taking responsibility for his own actions. She has a point. He admitted that he was acting like a royal class jacka** yet never did apologize for it. He said that he was trying to control my feelings so I wouldn't get hurt. My response to him was that I couldn't understand the logic of how acting like a moody jerk was supposed to be for my benefit or to protect my feelings. He told me that he wasn't being mean on purpose, that I misunderstood him but he would make a better effort at being kind.

I didn't respond. I didn't see the point. In one breath he tells me he's being a jerk to control my feelings, which implies concious thought, and then in the next he tells me he's not doing it on purpose. It can't be both, dude. So which is it? Whatever. I saw no point in going over it, he said he'll stop trying to control my feelings (whatever that even means) and that he'll start being nicer. Now I just wait and see what happens and see if he follows through.

Last night H forwarded me some emails about D's baseball & that her coach needed written confirmation for the league that we would commit to attending provincials should her team qualify & that he needed this by tomorrow (today). I sent H a text telling him that D has been sick the past few days, hasn't been to school all week, didn't go to ball on Tuesday and likely wouldn't be going Thursday either so I wouldn't be there to sign the papers her coach needed. Surprisingly, he responded right away asking if I've caught this bug too and if I'm feeling ok.

So he is at least making an effort.

It's been a draining week. I'm glad it's close to being over.