When it's a one-way street...part 5

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CV,

Wow! I missed a lot. It seems you've been through the wringer since we were posting yesterday.

In the meantime, I just thought I'd pour gasoline on my head so everyone could throw matches if they want. H sent me this email last night.

For the record, I like you.

If I were in your shoes on the receiving end of some of those posts, I might be angry and frustrated, and I might feel I wasn't heard.

I believe the reason that people have such a strong reaction to you is that there is obviously so much there. You have so much potential, and you seem smart enough to concoct a landscape where you can convince yourself of anything.

I thought Brit's post to you was beautiful, and I hope you can identify with it and take some value from it.

From my perspective as a former LBS, everyone here is right, the LBS is not "blissfully happy and unaware" as you suggest. In fact, the LBS is deeply hurt and dissatisfied. The difference between the WAS and the LBS is that the WAS makes the first move. The LBS may never make a move, they may just accept unhappiness and soldier on. In my marriage, I had more or less accepted the situation for what it was, and I felt that my wedding vows implied a commitment to my wife that I wasn't willing to break. That said, the marriage didn't meet my needs. I had found ways to be happy in spite of the marriage, but that is a different kind of happiness.

What can be confusing is that the moment the WAS actually leaves, the LBS is seized by panic, pain, fear, and a deep seated loss of control. These feelings are like drowning, and the WAS feels like the closest lifeline. I do believe that if the LBS had the calm peace of mind to critically evaluate the situation, it's quite likely many of them would NOT pursue, but that rarely happens. Even in Brit's case, her H shared that he cried for an entire month -- he just didn't let her see it, he was a "master of DB" as it were.

The bottom line is that your impression of the LBS is colored by what you read here -- a place for LBS's in crisis. I would be that if you asked the average LBS about their marital satisfaction before the bomb was dropped on them, you'd get a very different discussion than if you asked them a few days after. They will tend to put the WAS on a pedestal, primarily due to the pain of their new reality.

With regard to the apparent contradiction between my post on boundaries and OT's post on punishment, I don't believe it's contradictory either and here's why:

I believe I was talking about the specific incidence of having H fall asleep during a movie, and how you could make that better for yourself going forward. I do believe you have an issue with boundary setting, and that learning to do it effectively will improve your relationship. I did not interpret my suggestion as implying that you should punish H and that would be ok.

I believe that OT was commenting on the macro issue in your relationship that your disdain for H comes through to him loud and clear, and that your behavior toward him could be interpreted by many as punishing, in this instance among many others. Not that you're a bad person -- that inclination to punish is borne of your own pain and frustration.

The difference in which advice you choose to follow lies in what your goal is. If your goal is to "ride it out" and maximize your individual comfort, then set the boundary. If your goal is to make H feel wanted and needed, and to repair the emotional rift between you, then decide to "suck it up" every once in a while, let him snore and stay in the room. Arm yourself with earplugs and bring a book, and do it because you're willing to do it FOR him in the interest of improving your marriage. The fact that his request makes no rational sense to you at all doesn't really matter -- he's telling you how he feels and that's not really for you to judge.

I'm also confused by what you want -- initially I thought you had decided to just "ride it out" as roommates in a marriage of convenience, but the fact that you return here suggests that deeper down, you truly are interested in improvement with this man as your husband.

If that's the case, I don't think you will get there alone. If you are both motivated to make things better (and your H's e-mails indicate that he is), then yours is a scenario where MC has a chance of helping. I agree with others that Retrovaille may be the very best thing you can do. I haven't gone myself, but have spoken at length with others who have gone, and it does seem to be something that could really help you. If you can't swing that, then find an MC.

Here's what I suggest: MC's vary considerably in their training, skill, and how well they are going to relate to you. It's tempting to just start working with the first one you find, but that can do more harm than good. What I suggest you do is some Google research of MC's in your area, see if you can get some referrals, and then meet with a few *individually* -- don't even tell H you're doing it.

My suggestion would be to find the MC you feel really "gets you" and who also seems to have some insight into H's behavior based on your descriptions. Strategize with the MC about what you're looking to achieve. Only when you feel that you're in a comfortable place, and that you believe the MC has some chance of helping should you invite H to come along.

Is that an ambush and a setup? Maybe -- but it seems from your description that you are more in touch with this whole situation than H is, you have the deeper wounds, and therefore probably the longer journey to get to a place to make it work -- so stack the deck!

Finally, as you and others know, I really did find "The Solo Partner" to be a very instructive book. It talked about the fact that so much of our marital angst and pain is really the result of our expectations versus something our spouse has or hasn't done to us. It is the continued pressure of those expectations coupled with the hope that someday our spouse will change to better meet our needs that causes us to live in perpetual pain. It says that the path to escaping that dynamic is to assume that who H is now will never change, and to divorce yourself from your expectations. That process is painful, and you have to mourn their loss, but once you've moved beyond them, you now have a "clean slate" to figure out a new relationship with him -- one that may work for you based on who he is.

I really do hope this works out for you -- because I have faith that you have the capacity to make it work, if you can get out of your own way.

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