My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

Hahaha, I know we're from the same province when you called me "maid". I plan on sticking to my guns. He isn't getting off that easy. I've done the lion's share of most of the work for this marriage, he can handle the divorce if that's what he wants. I'm just going to continue to GAL, keep at the 180's and become the best person I can.

It's just so frustrating. Especially when we had such good times together that he seems to forget about. Even yesterday, we talked about a short vacation to PEI that we both loved and I felt like saying, "Were you so miserable with me then?". It's like he's changed and is upset that I haven't. Argh. Really frustrating.

I can change. I'm going to have to. I feel like I'm continuously changing, anyway, as I grow as a person. Well, this whole episode is making me take stock of where I am, who I am and what I want in life.

[timbits]

AUGH. We just met up for his break (I was on lunch, we met in the cafeteria as we're working in the same building at the moment) and he says that he's been having panic attacks and vomitting all morning again. Sigh. I asked him what was wrong (usually he saw OW or something) and he said he was just upset thinking about the future. I don't understand what he means by this and asked him, and he's being vague again.

I told him he should make another appt with his IC, he said, "I don't have a phone in my cubicle". I then told him that he had a cell phone in the car or he could come down to my office to use the phone. He then asked me to make an appointment with our family doctor. He wants to piggyback on my appointment, but I want to discuss private things with her, so I'll tell him she doesn't have anything available at the same time (pretty common, as she's fairly busy and the appointment is next week). I'll make him one for Tuesday afternoon.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I mean, I'm trying to stay strong and not fall back into the rescuer role and fix his problems. It's his illness, he has to take responsibility for it. I told him this a few days ago. I can't be the one in charge.

Will the damn rollercoaster ever stop?

[timbits]

Augh. H is going back to his bad anxiety attacks again. It's killing me to know he is in pain like this, but at the same time, I'm trying to give him space and not take on his illness. I just can't stop thinking about it. I guess it's not helping him, me worrying so much, but I just wish I could do something. I just want this to stop.

I think about where we were this time last year and it was so different. What the hell happened? Why did things change? I can't understand. We were happy. Well, at least I thought we were happy. I am just so sad about all of this. I never wanted any of this to happen. I know that it's partly my fault, but I wish I knew then so I could work on it. I never thought we'd get to this place.

I'm supposed to be going on a vacation with my Mom out west to see my sister in a few weeks, but all I keep worrying about is H hurting himself. His parents will be out of town, as well, which is normally a blessing, but now I'm just getting more and more worried. I almost feel like cancelling the trip, but my mom would be crushed. We're throwing a suprise wedding shower for my sister, I'm the maid of honour and I feel like I can't back out now.

I'm just so sad.
I wish this were a terrible nightmare.

[scaredsilly]

everyone talks about that book, "codependent no more". maybe you should read it? i know i should.

[timbits]

Another book for my e-reader. I like the e-reader because I can read it around H and not have him know what I'm reading.

My mom offered to have H come with us on the trip (she knows he's depressed, but not why). The only reason we didn't invite him beforehand was because he was supposed to dog-sit for MIL, but her dog passed away last week. She was 15 years old and in poor health, but it's almost a relief because we knew it would happen. Now MIL and FIL can stay longer in Florida, which FIL wants because he's retiring the day before they leave. We always have a lot of fun on vacations. I know it won't fix everything, but maybe we can have a little happiness for a short period of time. He loves the city my sister lives in.

[timbits]

Had a pretty good weekend with H. Friday night I had a nail appointment, then we went out to dinner. I then went home to relax and he went to a friend's house to play video games. He came home around 2am, had a good time. I had a nice, relaxing weekend, which I really crave after a long week at work.

Saturday, H did some medical billing he does for his cousin who is a doctor (he works about 2 hours a week and gets paid about $250-300 biweekly) and I went out shopping with my mother for some spring clothes. I came home and H was doing some yard work for his parents. We then went to a friends house for the evening for a BBQ. H was a little distant, but he tends to do that when we are with a group of people (it's like he forgets I'm there). We came home and went to bed. H wanted to go right to sleep, but I wanted to chat for a bit in bed. I really miss that, talking about everything and nothing before we drift off to sleep.

Sunday we had a lovely day. We went out shopping for some summer clothes for H. He's gone from a 56 waist to a 38 in one year and didn't have any shorts. After that, we went to a movie and got some groceries. We grilled some steaks and had a lovely meal together. Then we relaxed again for the evening.

Today was like old times. H was affectionate and when we were walking from the parking garage to the movie theater, he offered me his arm, which he hasn't done for a while. Usually he whines that I'm walking too slowly. H is 6 ft 3.5. He has much longer legs than I do. Anyway, it was very nice. He put his arm around me during the movie, it was a horror movie and it made me jump. It was really nice to have the physical touch from him. He was silly with me today, seemed much happier, like he was having fun with me. Conversation went very easily today, not forced at all.

We're both really looking forward to the mini-vacation in a few weeks. We have also decided to get a cat when we return. The friend we visited on Saturday night is looking to give her cat away (she can't keep him in her rental). I love this kitty, so sweet. But she doesn't want to give him away to someone she doesn't know, wants to know he's taken care of and loved. Well, H and I decided to take him in.

We talked briefly on the way to the movie and H said that from June of last year to now has been a very difficult year. His great grandfather passed away on Saturday. It wasn't unexpected. He was 101 and was slowing down in the past few months. He just went into a nursing home 2 weeks ago (he was still living on his own, chopping wood for his woodstove every day). H wasn't devastated, but he was when his grandfather passed away last June (great grandfather's son). H was very close to him and found it difficult when he passed. Then he got the OK for his book and started losing weight, but met OW and dealt with the EA/PA and it's demise. He's been a bit of a mess since then.

While we were talking about it (he brought it up, I've been trying not to bring up our relationship), he said, "I thought this year would be amazing but it's been the worst year of my life". I said, "Well, why not make this year amazing? The books being launched, you're fit and healthy and have lots of energy and we're taking a great trip in a few weeks". It seemed to sink in when I said that. He seemed happy after the conversation, and that's when he was more affectionate with me.

I'm hopeful, but I know that the rollercoaster ride isn't over yet. It makes me almost apprehensive to think about what will happen next. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be happy.

I am happy about the kitty....
I've been waiting to have another pet for about 5 years. Really looking forward to having a fuzzy little jerk around the house again.

[timbits]

Roller coaster again. I made a huge mistake. HUGE.

I read H's email. He had a draft saved to his best friend who lives away. In it, he was saying how in love he was with OW, how he was gearing up to leave me, how they hadn't had sex, but that they were planning on having kids, how he was happier with her than he ever thought possible. He said that he struggles with going to readings so much because he thinks maybe she'll show up and say she wants him back.

I'm such an idiot. I kind of knew this. I don't know why it's upsetting me so much, but it's like it was proof, in black and white. And what kills me, is, if I walk out the front door, I'M THE BAD GUY here, not him. I haven't told anyone that he cheated on me, and I'm not sure I can, even if I leave. But I was the one to support him, to help him through all of his bullsh!t and now I'd be leaving him vulnerable.

I'm angry and sad and hurt. His friend said that he forced me, a square peg, into a round hole, that he knew that it wasn't right, but H was trying to force me into being something I'm not.

I'm sick of this. I'm good enough. I'm more than good enough. God, I've done everything for this man, EVERYTHING. And this is how he repays me?

I think about our wedding day less than 3 years ago, how we were so happy, how H cried when we were saying our vows, how he loved me so much. And less than 3 years later, this is where we are.

I hate him right now. I love him, but I hate the person that he has become. It feels like my husband died and has been replaced by a selfish, stupid @sshole.

Good thing I have an IC appointment today.

[greatwhitenorth]

Timbits

So sorry you discovered the email. Being lied to and taken for granted by the person we thought we were building a life with is unbelievably painful.

I'm on two minds about my approach. When I saw the emails I threw him out immediately. Part of me wishes I'd been more strategic, covert about it, but the other part of me believes that by telling him I will not be treated this way, and you cannot have the benefits of our marriage if you are not present in it, I was able to do my grieving, sort myself out, detach and move forward more quickly. And he had no choice but explore his own behavior.

What I don't regret is making the rest of my choices wisely...I was consistently kind and generous with H (protecting myself, of course, but not witholding to hurt), and in my case made it a priority that his relationship with his D be saved. I do not regret my kindness.

Dont confront him (hard as it will be).

Don't make any rash decisions (use intellect, not emotion).

Go hard with the 180s

Keep yourself busy and focused on YOUR LIFE and DON'T explain yourself to him. (When you don't come home as expected, you were "out with a friend". When you aren't where he thinks you should be, you have "lots of things on the go." When he invites you to eat together or whatever, you have "other plans". Do not offer this information; respond only when he asks.)

Go hard with acting "as if" (the dinners together stop now, as does making his appointments, reminding him of his responsibilities, etc.).

As your sig says, DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT.

He will probably get p!ssed off, but he will also QUICKLY figure out that you know what he's been up to. HE MUST OWN IT. If you confront him, the likelihood of him owning it is less.

I know from your posts that you're strong and sensible. You can rise above. Don't be bitter. Try to be kind. Always do the right thing. Don't be hurtful, but focus fully on you. Be the better person as you'll feel good about yourself when things settle down.

I hope your IC goes well today. Stay strong and focused. I'll check in again if it's at all helpful.

[vera be fierce]

Timbits so sorry to hear about this. Were you wondering about how well your weekend went and so you went looking in his email thinking that you might find exactly what you thought would be there?

When you said,

God, I've done everything for this man, EVERYTHING. And this is how he repays me?

this sounds like you need to get a copy of Codependent No More on your e-reader immediately and get into it. This sounds like the classic rescuer/persecutor/victim triangle. You need to get out of this shape and DETACH. I am reading this now and I really wish I had read it earlier. Years ago. Seriously. I did the same stupid poking around last night and all it did was make me angry and feel like there's no reason I should be fighting for my M. I need to take my own advice!

I think about our wedding day less than 3 years ago, how we were so happy, how H cried when we were saying our vows, how he loved me so much. And less than 3 years later, this is where we are.

I hate him right now. I love him, but I hate the person that he has become. It feels like my husband died and has been replaced by a selfish, stupid @sshole.

I feel, literally, the same way today. I hope your IC goes well today.

[timbits]

Thanks so much, ladies. That really means a lot to me. I spoke with my IC and she said that I've been angry for a long time but unable to really express it in any way and the email acted as a catalyst to bring it out. I was really angry all day, at my doctor's appointment (family physician who knows what is going on and is fantastic) and after. I came home and H had gotten off work early. He knew I was grumpy, but I managed not to tear his head off. I went to the IC session and I feel much better.

I mentioned reading Codependent No More and she recommended I read it. She also agreed with not making any rash decisions based on anger, but to let it out and let it pass before I decide anything. I agree with this.

It's not even like reading what he wrote was really news to me. I mean, when I read that they talked about having kids together, that almost made me shudder in embarrassment. I mean, this is a grown woman, 38 and she has 3 kids and a husband. And they're talking about running away together and uniting their souls by having a child? Seriously, that sounds like a high school relationship. I thought by the time you reach that age, you would have grown up a little, but I guess not. My IC laughed when I said it was like reading a script from My So-Called Life. God. It's pathetic.

I'm feeling calmer, but my IC also agreed I need to examine what I want in life and go for it. I really want to travel, so I think I'm going to look into a trip for myself. Might go with my sister or a friend. I really want to see more of Europe. I've been to England, Ireland and Wales, but I'd love to see more. Also, I'm going to look into a pottery class. Sounds like fun.

I'm also going to have to think about what I want a lot more. I don't really even know what I want. But I figure if I want to be happy, I have to think about this.

Thanks so much, both of you, for writing in my thread. It really makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone.